Learning To Fly

"I suppose I'm learning."

If I had a penny for every time I have said that, or heard someone else say that, I'd be rich!!  Is there ever a time when we are done learning? ...I suppose when we die.  (or is that too harsh?)

About a month ago, I was in my kitchen cooking up some food, and I overheard something on the news.  It made me stop what I was doing, and look at the TV.

For those of you that know me, you know that I do NOT like to watch TV, let alone the news.

The news anchor was reporting that there was an investigation in the production of synthetic drugs.  I immediately became confused.  Why would someone produce synthetic drugs!?  From what I gathered, synthetic drugs are produced in order to make drugs cheaper.  Still confused?  Well, after some research on the matter, I found that the drugs that are being produced, are made by mixing chemicals together to produce the drug.  I also found that the synthetic drugs result in the same desired effect on the body.  This ticks me off!!  ...for several reasons.
1. I never really understood the altering of the chemicals in the body to feel a certain way.  Even when I drank (which is classified as a 'drug', I never really understood.  I hated the feeling.  I just drank to be cool)
2. ^^^ how bad does that sound for you?  Just saying.  I mean, ALTER the chemicals in your body.  Is that even safe?  But I suppose over the counter meds, and prescription medication alters the chemicals as well.

Interjection:

So, isn't that the problem!?  What used to be, when humans existed LONG ago...before all of the 'drugs'?? I supposed they used other natural remedies to suppress the pain they had, or the anxiety.  But isn't that the problem?  Why are we wired in that way?  Why are humans so selfish?  Why is it that our internal self desires so much more than it can have?  Why do we strive for the perfect this, the perfect that, to achieve the perfect feeling?  Again, why are we wired that way?  I once watched a documentary on anxiety and stress among humans.  We are high stress beings...that being obvious.  But what is the true meaning behind all of that?  Why are we so anxious?  Well, studies prove that humans have the innate ability to be stressed, for certain situations.  For instance, when humans had to hunt for food, and fend for their lives, they had to be stressed out someway, in order for the body to react [and survive].  So did that just carry over, as we evolved?  Eh, I don't like that word, "evolved".  (I will touch on this at another time)..."became more advanced."  I believe the answer to be a resounding yes.  And because we stress, we would like a remedy for that.  I mean, who on this earth wants to be stressed!?  So we seek medicine for it, food for it, and put other things into our bodies to relieve the stress, for the momentary satisfaction.

3. This is the main reason why I so highly dislike(d) this report: these are chemists, that are producing these synthetic drugs.  That, I'm sure you could already assume.  Now think about this: there are how many doctors in the world?  And how many diseases and illnesses do we have?  How many have a cure?...how many don't?  I don't have the specifics, nor the numbers on it.  And yeah, there is some reason to believe that many diseases are forever evolving and reoccurring, leading to the inability to cure them.  But what if, in an all perfect world, these same doctors.  Yeah, the ones spending days to produce a synthetic drug.  What if they devoted their time to something else?  Perhaps, hmm...curing a disease.  One that causes deaths to hundreds of thousands (if not millions), each year!  I get the mindset.  They are just looking for a quick dollar (which is wrong nonetheless, in a way that is harming other people).  And yes, they are/were punished for this offense already.  But don't you see what I'm getting at!?!?

Why are we so focused on the exterior, and the outer layer of things?  This world has nothing better to do, than to research how to make a drug cheaper and more effective?  ...FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! It's a recreational drug!!!  It's not like they were testing drugs to help...ugh enough.  What I am saying is that this world is filled with wasted talent.  People with PhD.'s screwing around in medical labs, people with the ability to create and innovate...sitting at a dead end job.  There are politics behind it, and there are people who know people, who...well...know people.  But COME ON!!!  I have grown tired of it.  I suppose we are all guilty of it.  But why don't we act on it then?  Why have we become so freaking accustom to sitting around waiting for someone else to change the world, when we can just try for ourselves!?  Okay, that has to be a quote from somewhere! hah  But that's my point, anyhow.  And take it from me.  I have wasted years of my life, muddling around, doing who knows what, instead of getting out and doing the things I do best.  I suppose I am still learning what I do best, as we all are.  That still shouldn't be used as an excuse.  We are our own method to our madness!

Breathe

I was thinking about how we learn.  I learn something new everyday.  As a matter of fact, I can probably name several things that I learn each day!  Nonetheless, learning is an important part of the development of humans.  Do we have a maximum capacity for learning?  Yes, I know that my grandfather knows more than I do.  And he has learned a heck of a lot in his lifetime.  What if we develop some sort of mental deficiency, leading to a regression in mental capacity?  Do we learn until the day we die?  What about after we die?  Do we still learn things then?  That I don't know.  The answer to all these questions, I don't know.  I stumped myself.  I am able to admit that I don't know all of the answers in life.  What I do know is this:  I am learning.  Everything that is meant for me to learn, I will.  And everything after I die will come when I pass on.  Because if I am too curious about where I'm going, I must remember that I ain't got wings.

What Is It With...!?

This weekend, I made my way to Orlando.  I spent the whole time with my girlfriend.  We went to just about every place in Orlando that we could over the course of a weekend.  We visited friends at UCF, visited some theme parks (rode rides, went into stores, etc.), and really got into our inner tourist mode.  It was great!! I loved to see her, and I loved to go back to a place that was so frequently visited as a child.

While I was there, I learned a couple of things about myself:

I like people.  I know that sounds strange.  And if anyone can attest for how outrageous that sounds, it would be the person who was next to me the entire weekend.  I said countless things about how irritating Orlando was; how I never wanted to return, how annoying tourists are, how bad the roads are there, how bad the drivers can be.  I didn't sound too pleased.  And if my trip was based on my comments, it would sound like a part in Chevy Chase's movie, Vegas Vacation.

But I REALLY like people!!!

In my moments of frustration, I realized something.  I am not the only one.  I wasn't the only one in the entire city.  I wasn't the only one driving.  I wasn't the only one lost.  People around me weren't the only tourists.  I fit in just right.  But that is not any sort of excuse for my behavior, by any means.  If anything, I should have been acting in a more friendly, welcoming manner; polite with my speech and mannerisms.

I suppose you can say I have been working on this.  But hindsight sure as heck is 20/20.  I find it much easier to look back and comment on what I have said/done, than it is to take strides in the present day.  So, as I usually do, I have been thinking about why this is.  Do I have an answer for it?  ha..NO!  But I have some insight into my new mentally established thoughts and reasoning on the matter.

One of my secret vices is not thinking before I speak or act.  It used to be worse in the past, but I have become better at controlling myself (or censoring myself) lately.  It's a process, making a decision.  One that happens so fast in our brains, that we generally aren't consciously aware of the decision being contemplated...until after we do them.  Eh chem..."hindsight is 20/20."  Anyway, the way I have been able to work on that vice is to actually attempt to think out the pros and cons of each decision/result.  Am I always right?  No.  And I let myself get in the way of myself at times as well.

Whoa, [WAIT a minute!?] what?  

Yes, I admittedly allow myself to stumble and battle with myself.  No, that doesn't mean verbally or physically fighting with myself.  I am talking about it from a mental standpoint.  For instance, when I am trying to decide whether or not to let someone in front of me, in bumper to bumper traffic, when I have to be in class in 10 minutes, and there is no way I will get there on time.  I could either move up and not them in (for myself), or I could just hold back and let the car through (for them).  In the end, [the funny part is] more times than not, the driver pulls through my lane into the traffic beside me.  I see it as God's way of saying, "Look, see, was it that big of a deal!?"  And that's right...it isn't.  In the end, letting that person in makes me feel better.  I look at it like this (and this helps a lot): how would I feel if I were in their shoes?

Another secret vice I have, is the inability to withhold from worry.  I have gotten much better at it, but I still cause myself stress and worry (unnecessarily).  This worry is covered on a broad spectrum.  I worry about the smallest things, to the largest things.  One thing that I used to do all the time, is worry about my life.  I used to map out everything.  My entire future could be written out on a single sided loose leaf sheet of paper, with everything on it.  I have grown to understand that this is NOT how it should be!  Who am I to be planning out my entire life?  First off, doesn't that just set myself up for a let down??  Secondly, isn't God the One who has planned everything?  Shouldn't I trust in Him, and understand that it is (and always will be) His plan!?  I now live by this, that I learned: my plans < God.  But wait, does that mean that we shouldn't plan ahead, or desire things for our future?  I believe that it is healthy to have ambition; to strive for something great.  But if we turn to God, and strive to live for Him, then our path will become clear.  Do I plan ahead?  Yes.  But I am weary with how I do so.  I make sure not to look too far into the future, where I am unable to feel what He is leading me to.  

The idea of self.  Allowing ourselves to get in the way of ourselves.  One last thing on that topic.  Along with doing things for others and not trying to re-write God's plan, there lies the idea of confidence.  I believe that everyone has a sense of confidence in themselves.  But confidence is not defined as 'knowing that you are the best.'  There is absolutely zero reason why anyone should think that...but it still seems to be a popular thing to do.  People tend to make themselves something they aren't.  Boasting and bragging about themselves, and what they will become.  That, to me, is fake.  It is not believable.  And I have no problem with acknowledging that it is a sin.  It kills me to say that.  And I am not one to judge, ever.  But with myself, I try to ensure that I stay far away from this issue.  

Here are some bible verses to think about, in relation to this post:

Romans 12:10

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

James 4:10

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

1 Peter 5:6-7

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I know that the question may come up, in reading my blog posts:  why does it always come back to God?

Well...

Assume The Position

Before I delve deep into a few different areas of thought, I must preface this post.  I would like to make a point that these topics are not directed at someone or something in particular.  They are simply thoughts that I had, and continue to have, so I decided it was time to share them.

I have a question.  What does it mean to be normal?

Sir Webster says it means: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle; conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.

Okay, but what is being normal?  Beyond the definition, beyond the everyday burnt out usage of it...what is being normal?  Does it mean to not fall too far away from what everyone else is doing?  In that case, there is a problem!

If we are concerned with being normal, that is not falling too far away from what everyone else is doing, then we are in trouble.  And yes, we all are guilty of being this person, at certain points in our lives.  Wearing certain clothes to try and fit in, talking a certain way in an attempt to be like everyone else, hanging out with certain people so you can be included in the "cool" group, etc.

Why do we get so concerned with being normal?

I believe people become afraid of what others will think of them.  And this isn't just the case for adolescents, it grows on adults as well.  There's always that person trying to get in every picture, the person always wondering what their friends think of them, etc.  The problem is, they become so consumed with how they will be perceived, that they lose the entire meaning of life.

Who freaking cares what car you drive?  Who cares what designer bag/clothes you have?  Who cares how many people you know?  Who cares how many places you have been?  Who cares what you look like?

It's the concept of self.

Consumed in the likeness of ourselves, losing the ability to see the meaning of life, because we are in our own way.  It's simple, and easily solved.  It comes in another definition of 'normal':

occurring naturally

It's that simple!  What is normal, is naturally occurring. 

We all have influences in our lives; family, friends, media, etc.  It is how we use those outlets of knowledge and information, that lead to our successes or our failures in life.  I believe that self consumed people are unmanageable for me.  That doesn't mean that I judge them, or that I was never as they are.  I am just making a point, that I have learned that it is growing extremely hard for me to be able to deal with people who make themselves the focus.  

As I write in my blog, and include my thoughts, with an infinite amount of 'I's used, I wouldn't want the focus to be on me.  I must reiterate that I am presenting thoughts.  I am not trying to say that I am right.  As a matter of fact, I don't believe that everything I say holds truth to it.  The intent is to spark thought amongst yourselves, with the hope that I can offer some alternative insight. 

To conclude my thought on being "normal", I would like to make a point, spiritually.  

I believe that being a Christian is a normal thing.  It is the largest religion in the world, and continues to grow.  But I believe that being a CHRISTIAN is not a "normal" thing.  Being a Christian means to be a follower of Jesus Christ; striving to live as He lived, for all the days of our lives.  It is rare that people exemplify Jesus on a regular basis, therefore making it a step out of the norm.  Point being, instead of getting caught up in what people think, try this on for size; get caught up in what Jesus thinks. 

Maybe it will serve as a  postscript (P.S.), but I had this thought conjured in my mind the other day, and I kind of just ran with it.  It is an idea relating to feelings in a relationship. 

Someone catches your eye, so you go talk to the person.  You find them to be very interesting.  Then you begin to like them.  So you begin hanging out with them on a regular basis.  Then, you begin to really like them, and maybe have some feelings of lust/infatuation/extreme likeness.  So, you increase the rate at which you spend time with the person.  Over a great period of time (which varies from relationship to relationship), you become enthralled with the person, and fall in love.  And they lived happily ever after.

But what happens next?

I can see it with different relationships, mainly between my grandparents and parents, that this is all well and good to a certain extent.  I thoroughly believe that my grandparents are in love.  But why do they always nag each other, and talk trash about each other...to each other?  I feel that they are in love, but they don't necessarily like each other anymore, or as much.  In an ideal and perfect situation, and I only assume how incredibly awesome this is.  The ability to like someone again, after you are in love with them.  When you reach that point of ridiculously comfortability with that person, and you are so settled that nothing could ever rock you two, try liking that person again.  Tell them how much you actually care for them.  Show them how much you actually care for them.  Be there for them at all times.  Display your likeness for them, amidst the extravagant love.  Because that, is what I call perfection in a relationship. 

:)

It is Time...

I presently have many thoughts.  Why do I feel like it is necessary for me to preface a blog about my thoughts, with that statement?

I figure because this entry may turn into another one of my rants.

**Sigh** Here goes nothing..

Okay.  I feel like I have been on a spiritual tear lately.  I feel like I am catching myself doing/saying/thinking bad things, and stopping myself.  I am trying to make myself the best person I can be.  Most importantly, I have been going to God more.  On a moment by moment basis, rather than when I get to it.  It has helped improve my morale, in turn, making it much more enjoyable to go throughout my days.

A lot happened this past weekend.  I went on a road trip with my youth pastor, to a few of the state colleges.  Along the way, I learned many things.

The first thing that I learned, is how to be happy, and free from momentary worries.  In the car on Friday morning, windows down (not too good of an A/C in his car (side note: I sweat the most than anyone I know, and have this ridiculously insane body heat that seems to have a hard time cooling down)), cruising through the state, I realized somethings.

1. Worry
Why do we worry about the little things?  I know we may ask ourselves this on the daily, but seriously!  I wonder this all the time, but as I began to sweat through my shirt on the car ride, I realized I have changed.  The guy that used to get twirked out about being uncomfortable, hot, etc., was the same guy just chilling (figuratively, obviously).  As a result of this discovery about myself, I learned something else.

2. Life
There is more to life than to have to think too deeply in the momentary, small picture.  Finding myself forced into a position where I would formerly be extremely uncomfortable, I was able to embrace life.

TANGENT:  This is my new thing.  A new realization, if you will.  What we have is a gift.  I believe I have already acknowledged that in a previous entry.  But next time you get in your car, roll the windows down, drive the speed limit, feel the wind, and embrace it.  Next time you see something, a flower, or a tree, or even freshly cut grass, take a look, a smell, and embrace it.  How do you embrace life?  Here's kind of how it struck me the other day:  Jesus is God's gift to us.  Naturally, as church has taught us, we are supposed to embrace Him.  But think about it for a second.  When it is a holiday or our birthday, and we may receive gifts...how do we treat them?  Let's say you open the gift, and you despise it.  So you put it on the shelf to hang.  Not really paying it any mind.  Now, what if you really think it's okay?  So you store it somewhere, and use it every once in a while, right?  And what if you open the gift you have received, and you absolutely LOVE it!?  So you use the item to it's greatest ability, until it runs out.  Now put Jesus in the place of the material gift you may have gotten.  Is He just hanging on your shelf, used every once in a while, or is He being used to his greatest ability?  See, the neat thing that I have learned, is that Jesus is the greatest gift we have received...ever!  He isn't a lame, that just gets tossed into your closet.  He isn't just okay...and gets used periodically.  He isn't used until He runs out either.  He is ever lasting.
As I drove home from school today, I had the thought in my head...Jesus is always there, God is always in us since the beginning of time.  It's just a matter of how you use the gift.

P.S. a few updates...
I have had a week of awesomeness, and have decided that I have added the goal to go to seminary upon completion of undergraduate studies.  It is something that I have thought about in the past, but now I just feel so called to do it.  God has placed it on my heart for a reason.  And with that, I am thoroughly, newly excited for what God has to offer in my life.  Yeah there are going to be times where it may be rough, but knowing He is always there is quite reassuring.

A Noted Revelation

The average human being lives to be 67.2 years old.

When you look into the rear view mirror of your life, at whatever age you may be, what do you see?

Do you see the successes, the failures, a combination of the two?

And then how would you rate your life, on a scale of 1-10?  Or how about if your life was a movie?  5 stars, two thumbs up?

I would have to say that if my life was a movie, it would be a box office flop!  There are too many ups and downs, and by the time the roller coaster ride of a film came to an end, viewers would be nauseated.  Looking back at my life, there are certain points that stick out at me.  I figure that it is time to share.

• From the time I could remember, I have never had a home in which there existed a relationship between my mother and father.  Growing up was a constant push and pull.  I had the feeling of resentment towards my step mother for the longest time.  I also gradually began to gravitate towards my step father for fatherly comfort.  As time progressed, I learned more about my family (all spread wide by now).
• When I was 13, I had a Bar Mitzvah.  My father's family is Jewish, and as tradition has it, it was my turn.  I remember the year, or so, leading up to it.  All of the preparation; learning terms, prayers, etc., in another language.  On top of all that, having to do the invitation/party coordination.  It was a fun ride though.  I seemingly enjoyed having the party and counting all my earnings at the end of the night, most of all.  
• At the age of 16 is when I had my stab at what life can hit you with.  On April 30th of that year, my grandfather passed away.  It was my first conscious experience with death, being a person I had been close with.  It also signified the first time in my life that I sought after God, and also questioned Him.  Soon after, I became baptized at my church.  That day, I professed my faith in Jesus Christ.  Soon after, I got into my first car accident.  I totaled my old, beater car, and came face-to-face with a little reality.  
• When I was 17 years old, I lost my virginity.  Something made to be sacred, and planned, went totally wrong.  As classic as it became, it led to an interesting following few years.
• At 18, I went off to college.  I went away to school, far from home.  In my first year there, I made chasing tail a hobby.  I found myself so narrow-minded in my relationship focus, that it makes me cringe.  
• Still away at school, at 19, just following my freshman year, I became carried away.  I was eventually diagnosed with genital herpes.  This led me to feel like the butt of the majority of jokes, punch lines, and stabs.  And at the time, less than a handful of people even knew about it.  I eventually let it go, and avoided the frustrations by it.  I just had to be more careful.  The year or so following that, I continued with my extra curricular activities.
• I came home from school after my second year.  I enrolled at a local state university, and aimed to better myself.  The sexual activity decreased, and I began to attend church more regularly again. (correlation?)
• I presently have not had sex in nearly a year, and am not planning on it anytime soon.  I am in a loving relationship, and am finally doing well in school as well.

What changed in me?

Riddle of the day:

He is all over the place, yet around you and within you, at ALL times.

Any guesses?

God is the reason I have taken off, up and down the roller coaster of life.  And even at such a young age, I am still able to recognize the gift I have been given.  My faith is something that I attempt, with everyday, not to take for granted.  I have come this far, and will continue to move forward in strengthening my faith and relationship with God. 

While I was working out today, it hit me.  Christians make up 2-3 billion of the worlds population.  That makes 1/3 of the population Christian.  Also, it is still recognized as the fastest growing religion worldwide.  

With all the Christians in the world, why do we continue to have world problems?  Because a Christian is defined as living life like Christ, correct?  Therefore, we should obey the commandments and love our neighbors, right?

Something struck a chord in me today.  Here's the way I see it:

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we turn off the TV?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we turn off the pornography?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we mute the profanity?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we stop the drunkenness?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we stop the fighting?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we love each other?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we give more than an hour on "most" Sundays?

Jesus gave His whole life up for us.

It is time to step outside of the pews, and into the streets.  It is time to allow God to mold us, and shape us into who HE wants us to be, not who we aspire to be.  It is time to do God's work.  It's simple, all we have to do is listen.

Fun Fact (concept borrowed from a loved one): A human being is supposed to get 8 hours of sleep each night.  That equals 2,920 hours of sleep each year.  Going to church every Sunday, for one hour, equals 52 hours of church each year.  If being a Christian means to live our lives like Jesus Christ, then we need to give more.

Jesus lived to be [an estimated] 33 years of age.

Give more than half of your life.

Luke 9:23-26

Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.  What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?  Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and the holy angels."

All of You, and well, none of me

I

"How did that happen?"  "Man, you're lucky!!"  "What a coincidence?!"

Ten years ago from today, I was sitting in my math class in middle school.  It was our third period class.  I remember hearing some chatter, from the lucky ones with cell phones at such a young age.  "We are under attack!!!"  I blew it off...until I received more information of what was actually happening.

Ten years ago from today, my father sat in an office in New York City, on a business trip.  He received an email that the breakfast meeting in the cafe, in one of the towers in the World Trade Center, was cancelled for that morning.

Why!?

Within the hour, a plane struck the first tower.  We all know the rest of the story from there.  Lives lost, trauma to millions of people around the world.  

To be realistic, imagine with me, for a second.  Let's say the meeting isn't cancelled.  Instead, let's just say that the meeting is called, and they proceed as planned.  Imagine a life without a father.  The one you love. The one you have grown up with your ENTIRE life.  What then?  Why was it my father, when hundreds, if not thousands, of fathers died that day?  See, I have a split family; and have had it this way for the last 18 years.  So I would have had a fatherly figure in my life regardless.  So why take away the father of the newborn, and leave mine for me? 

My life would not have been the same.  For weeks and months after September 11, 2001, I spoke about this story as if I should be praised or treated differently.  All because my father dodged death that morning.  Why is it that I sit here, ten years later, shaken still by September 11th.  Not because of the actually events that took place that day, but for the fact that my future life plans were being taken care of.  It took me ten years to realize it.

Who!?

Since that date in 2001, a lot has changed in my life.  Beyond the obvious physical changes, a lot has gone on mentally and spiritually.  In 2006, I came face-to-face with God.  Following my grandfather's death, I acknowledged God.  It was the first time in my life that I had ever questioned God.  I didn't understand, and I longed for some sort of peace of mind and heart, for what had been taken from me.  It just didn't seem right.  From then on, life began to take its shape for me.  I started to see God in nearly my every day actions.  And five years later, on this date, I am thankful for my father.  Better yet, my Father.  He has come through for me, on countless occasions in my life.  I couldn't ever do it without him...Him.

In one moment, life could change drastically...God's plan>my plans

II

I have been lost in wonder, lately.  I found myself in deep thought about the actions that I take, and how they reflect on who I am.  Then I began to wonder; where do I get it from?  Where do I get the idea to pursue something like I do?  Is it innate?  What does innate even mean?

innate (adj.): 1. Inborn; natural

I am a FIRM believer that God created us all.  And in doing so, He made it possible for all of us to do the things we do, and the things we will do in the future.  So, our actions deemed innate; natural, inborn...come from the maker of all things?  Is that, then, why our actions not only reflect ourselves, but [as told to us in the Bible] reflect God as well?  So, if our actions are innate, then it is something that God put on our heart?

innate (adj.): 2. Originating in the mind

Maybe it is simply that 'innate' is the wrong word.  Maybe 'innate' is something that our mind, innately created.  What am I getting at?  I am saying that I feel like people are viewing life with blinders.  I feel like we are only merely skimming the surface.

And that is bad because...?

If I am able to get deep within myself, aside from all the other stuff going on in my life (work, school, etc.), what is my life like?  God is at the center of my life.  He created me, in doing so, making it possible for all things to be done.  And yes, many people recognize that fact.  But how many of us actually reflect that in our lives?

I am guilty of it, daily.  If I had a sheet, that listed the +/- of all the actions I made, I would be so close to the all negative sign, it scares me.  I have bad thoughts, bad things said; not reflecting God.  Just to add clarification, I am not striving to be God.  I am merely attempting to do my best to show how amazing God truly is.  So, as I do to myself daily, I ask you...what is your life reflecting?  When you are able to get deep within yourself, how are you reflecting God in your lives today?

III

God gives us all gifts.  It is as simple as it sounds.  But allow me to elaborate.

The gifts we receive are not material things.  How often do we step out of our front door, to a pile of money?  And let me guess, you looked up and saw a brand spanking new (fill in the blank with a super nice dream car) sitting in your driveway?  And when you went over to the car, you noticed that there was the hottest person sitting in the passenger seat telling you to take them anywhere, and that they were at your whim?

As great as that whole thing sounds, to the majority of people who have ever allowed their mind to drift into a fantasy world (where there are hearts, stars, horse shoes, clovers, and blue moons), life is not like that.  

But this is what life is like:

You wake up daily.  Go through the mundane routine of school, work, family, friends, clubs, sports, and other entertainment.  Go to sleep.  Then do it all over again.  Why is our world so fast paced?  We literally live in a high speed time machine that is traveling down the road at a million miles an hour, to a land far, far away, in a vast space of nothing.  Why don't we ever take the second to see what we have?  Take that minute to breathe, and acknowledge what our life is, and has become.  

Upon doing this, I see something amazing.  All of the things that I find myself, or have found myself complaining about at some point in life, are not worth all that time.  Instead, I have found, that the act of complaining only makes things worse.  Due to this recent discovery of the obvious, I have made it one of my personal goals to stop worrying, stop complaining, and just live life.  And in doing so, I hope to use what I have to make the best out of life.

God gives us all gifts.  It's just a matter of how we use them.

"That may not be the talent you have, but you are very talented at other things."

-Dr. D. Brouwer

IV

I am blessed.  Allow me to explain.  I could quote the Bible.  I could give some theories that some theologians have.  Instead, how about this?  ...I have something incredible.

I have never had a good history.  Yeah sure, I have been able to be involved, but it hasn't been anything that I could declare as deep.  Relationships for me, on the surface, have been a breeze.  Seeming to come easily for me to seek out one person.  In reality, it has been a struggle.  Although the signs may not all be there, I have not been satisfied in relationships for my entire life.  Every time it was ever brought up, everything was 'good', 'alright', 'copacetic'.  Nobody has been able to rouse the word 'excellent' or 'perfect' out of me.  

About a year ago from now, I met someone at church.  I butted in on conversations to make myself seem funny.  At the time that seemed right, but looking back, man, I must have looked like a loser.  Eventually, I got a name out of her, as she did from me.  We casually chatted, and I tried to gradually move into a flirty nature with her (with the greatest attempt at witty banter that I could possible conjure).  Then, one day, it was all gone.  We barely texted, rarely chatted in person, and most certainly thought it was all over.  

Something was different.  It was seemingly more difficult to pursue her; making it difficult for me to believe that I was even attractive in her eyes.

Just about seven and a half months ago, she and I began to converse again.  It was kind of random, but natural and fitting.  We started to hang out, one on one, and began to show our attraction towards each other.  Soon enough, we were officially dating, title and all.

A little over six months later, and I have to say that this has been the most interesting, and pleasing six months I have ever had in my life.  No, we are not perfect, and sure as heck have had some stupid runs about horribly redundant topics.  But there is one thing that keeps coming back to me.  Nothing in my life has ever been like this.  And it is exciting.  I have never gone to so many places that I have never heard of.  I have never done all the things that I have done, if it wasn't for her.  From the places we have visited, to the talks we have had [about the most random things, at times], I can say that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Love, I thought, was a farce.

Marriage, I thought, was pointless.

Children, I thought, were a waste of time and money.

Now it is clear to me that all three of these things are already a part of my life, or will be a part of my life soon.  Patience leads to kindness; kindness leads to compassion; compassion leads to love.  And love is what I have for her.  A love that God has put on my heart.  An unfailing, never wavering, love.

It was all His idea.  My pursuit, that seemed pointless a year ago, has blossomed into something beautiful.  The greatest part about it is this: I know He has more in store for us.

His plan>my plans

Tell Me Again

I suppose this may serve as a continuation of thought, carried over from my last blog...

I got it!! I finally found a question that was fitting for me to ask, that had no answer.  There is literally no answer for my question.  Cannot be found in any text, any databases, or any historic archives.  Go ahead, try to give me the best possible answer you got....

What if I am too patient?

In dealing with people and situations, what if I am too patient?  What if I give so much of myself and receive none in return?  Is that even wrong?  Should I just do what I have to do, be patient and right for myself, and not worry about what someone else is going to do?

Is there ever a limit to the amount of patience one should have?

I know that it is written in the bible, to have patience and to be patient.  I am also well aware that it is morally right to be a patient person.  Not only that, but it makes life, and relationships with people, a heck of a lot easier.  But is there ever a limit?  Is there a point that could be reached, where it is acceptable to have a lacking in total patience?  Okay, allow me to attempt to dissect my thoughts, and put them into logical layman's terms.  So, according to the bible, I see that there is no limit to patience, nor should it really be questioned.  Simple as it says, just be patient.  Morally acceptable limit...I am unsure if there is one.  I mean, patience IS noted as a virtue.  So what am I supposed to do when I have reached my boiling point?  Am I just supposed to challenge myself, push on, and fight with all possible patience?  Is it something that I will forever be able to do, because I trust in God.  I know that I have had plenty of help from God.  My entire life I have dealt with things that were obviously impossible to tackle, without the help from God.  So is it that simple?

Here is where this thought stems from:

Another thing I have pondered about recently is why I moved home from Tallahassee, and transferred schools in the first place.  I know that I may have made a smart decision scholastically and morally, but what about for myself otherwise?  Well, I came back to do better in school and get the degree I wanted (only a final year left...success).  Everything seems to be working out.  I got a job right away [and have two now].  I began an incredible relationship with someone that I can confidently see myself spending some time with [ ;) ].  Things are great!  But then the living situation...

I moved back home.  In with the family, that loves me oh so much.  (I say that in jest, but I know they actually have love for me.  Just lacking in their expression at times.)  It started off fine.  I was working daily, and they were paying me no mind.  Then it must have set in.  They realized that I will be living with them permanently.  I soon got sick of it.  After my first year back at home, I came to find out that there is a bit of a standard favoritism in the house.  As well as a little power control aspect of the flow of the household.  I slowly migrated to hours spent inside the confines of my own room, daily.  This routine eventually grew on me.  I was perplexed as to how this was going to work.  So it was decided that I was going to make an attempt to move out.  Nearly six months later, and I'm still here at home.

I just don't know what it is.  I can't really see why.  I know I was led to come home for a reason.  I felt it in my heart.  And it weighed heavy, as I mustered up some strength to finish up my last semester at FSU.  So here I am, sitting here, wondering why I came home.  I can see the positives (obviously stated, in the previous paragraph).  But why does this negative of living in the house bring me down so much?  The other issues of school, work, and my personal life were easily taken care of.  I constantly ask myself, why do I have to go through this?  What am I learning by this?  God, what are you teaching me here?

Maybe it's just patience.



As an aside, a recent thought that has been resonating in my mind:

I am extremely envious of my brother's relationship.  Every time I hear them talk.  Every time I see them interact.  Sometimes I just wish that it was that easy in my relationship.  It's okay...I'm patient.