Wednesday, February 29, 2012

In The Moment

My final blog post:
I have deleted the things I have written, two times now.  Every time I sit down to continue the writing, I read what I have written, and become a little bit disappointed in myself.  I can't express my feelings correctly.  Maybe I need to go find some more friends.  Maybe I need to pick up another hobby or two.  Or maybe I just need to go to God more.  I go to Him, daily.  I go to Him, whenever I have a chance.  Maybe that's the problem.  I should probably be allowing Him every moment of time in my life, and putting everything else to "chance".  I have learned that I can't trust anyone, fully anymore.  My life seems to be somewhat of a train wreck.  When things seem to be going right...when God is SO prevalent in my life...when I am FINALLY heading in the right direction...something happens.  This time, I happened to lose someone.  I promised myself, that I wouldn't make a stink about it...that I wouldn't make my feelings public.  Some things cannot be helped, I suppose.  I have lost a girlfriend, a friend...a best friend.  My go to person is gone.  No, not to some horrible death, or move...but I suppose a moving of sorts anyway.  I have come to the conclusion that there is only one true relationship that anyone can get anything out of.  That is the relationship between a person, and God.  Every other relationship falls down from there.  It's a trickle down effect, you can say.  Perhaps, the best way to describe it, is by making a list of priorities.  If you are true to yourself, it becomes clear that the list is WAY out of order.  God should ALWAYS be at the top.  From there, everyone/everything else falls in line.  If not for a relationship with God, none of the other relationships can be successful.  This is not a declaration/suggestion to run from being involved with anyone or in any relationship.  This is simply saying that all things should be built, with God as the foundation of all.  Relationships are necessary, I believe, to satisfy one's physiological need of intimacy/connectedness.  I also believe that relationships are made to help encourage growth.  Growth in ourselves, and most importantly, with God.  I have grown a lot in the past year, and I am proud to say that I had someone very special to me, providing help.  I can also say that I don't feel like I am better on my own.  I KNOW I have God.  I will ALWAYS have Him.  But when someone helps you to come to know Him better, daily, it is just a crush to lose them.  Authentic love is non conditional.  Inauthentic love is clearly conditional.  I am learning how to achieve agape.  Not for someone else, but for the only relationship that ACTUALLY counts.  God isn't going to walk out on me.  God isn't going to give up on me.  God isn't going to say that I/our relationship is unfixable.  God is authentic, and everything/everyone else trickles on down from there.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails
it never gives up
it never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life
I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid
There's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

Thanks for reading