Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Tell Me Again

I suppose this may serve as a continuation of thought, carried over from my last blog...

I got it!! I finally found a question that was fitting for me to ask, that had no answer.  There is literally no answer for my question.  Cannot be found in any text, any databases, or any historic archives.  Go ahead, try to give me the best possible answer you got....

What if I am too patient?

In dealing with people and situations, what if I am too patient?  What if I give so much of myself and receive none in return?  Is that even wrong?  Should I just do what I have to do, be patient and right for myself, and not worry about what someone else is going to do?

Is there ever a limit to the amount of patience one should have?

I know that it is written in the bible, to have patience and to be patient.  I am also well aware that it is morally right to be a patient person.  Not only that, but it makes life, and relationships with people, a heck of a lot easier.  But is there ever a limit?  Is there a point that could be reached, where it is acceptable to have a lacking in total patience?  Okay, allow me to attempt to dissect my thoughts, and put them into logical layman's terms.  So, according to the bible, I see that there is no limit to patience, nor should it really be questioned.  Simple as it says, just be patient.  Morally acceptable limit...I am unsure if there is one.  I mean, patience IS noted as a virtue.  So what am I supposed to do when I have reached my boiling point?  Am I just supposed to challenge myself, push on, and fight with all possible patience?  Is it something that I will forever be able to do, because I trust in God.  I know that I have had plenty of help from God.  My entire life I have dealt with things that were obviously impossible to tackle, without the help from God.  So is it that simple?

Here is where this thought stems from:

Another thing I have pondered about recently is why I moved home from Tallahassee, and transferred schools in the first place.  I know that I may have made a smart decision scholastically and morally, but what about for myself otherwise?  Well, I came back to do better in school and get the degree I wanted (only a final year left...success).  Everything seems to be working out.  I got a job right away [and have two now].  I began an incredible relationship with someone that I can confidently see myself spending some time with [ ;) ].  Things are great!  But then the living situation...

I moved back home.  In with the family, that loves me oh so much.  (I say that in jest, but I know they actually have love for me.  Just lacking in their expression at times.)  It started off fine.  I was working daily, and they were paying me no mind.  Then it must have set in.  They realized that I will be living with them permanently.  I soon got sick of it.  After my first year back at home, I came to find out that there is a bit of a standard favoritism in the house.  As well as a little power control aspect of the flow of the household.  I slowly migrated to hours spent inside the confines of my own room, daily.  This routine eventually grew on me.  I was perplexed as to how this was going to work.  So it was decided that I was going to make an attempt to move out.  Nearly six months later, and I'm still here at home.

I just don't know what it is.  I can't really see why.  I know I was led to come home for a reason.  I felt it in my heart.  And it weighed heavy, as I mustered up some strength to finish up my last semester at FSU.  So here I am, sitting here, wondering why I came home.  I can see the positives (obviously stated, in the previous paragraph).  But why does this negative of living in the house bring me down so much?  The other issues of school, work, and my personal life were easily taken care of.  I constantly ask myself, why do I have to go through this?  What am I learning by this?  God, what are you teaching me here?

Maybe it's just patience.

As an aside, a recent thought that has been resonating in my mind:

I am extremely envious of my brother's relationship.  Every time I hear them talk.  Every time I see them interact.  Sometimes I just wish that it was that easy in my relationship.  It's okay...I'm patient.

Friday, August 19, 2011

I am lost.

I don't know all of the technical psychological terms, but I will do my best in completely describing my present thoughts.  I feel like I am slowly changing as a person.  I know, and am well aware, that everyone changes as they go through life.  But I feel like I am noticing it in myself.  And frankly, it is scaring me a little bit.

To start, I used to be someone who had no problem being open with certain things in my life.  General information, if you will (minus all of the personal things).  I suppose it made me quite personable and welcoming, as a friend.  Well, recently I have noticed that I am changing in that aspect.  I am more likely to internalize a feeling that I have, rather than go on and tell anyone about it.  I feel like it is benefitting me in avoiding bad/negative situations.  I think maybe that is the one thing that I idolize my father for.  He has such a natural ability to keep things to himself, like some sort of FBI agent.  I think that he may use that ability too much, forcing some strained relationships.  I feel like over time, it can cause me to become too distant with certain people.  But I wish I could avoid certain situations, easily, without hesitation.  I have been told that there is an easy way to avoid falling for the usual maze that my mind creates, in its own thoughts, and it seems quite simple; control my thoughts.  Yeah, well I know how to control my thoughts.  I know how to think to avoid complications, but there are still times where I fall into a rut of thought.  I am sure it is clear to see, by some sort of facial expression or tone of voice.  But I want to eliminate that in between; the obvious.  I want to be able to go through my day, and withhold information and hold back from letting people around me know that "something's up."  But maybe this is just a phase.

Also, I am a tad bit scared about my future.  Which comes off to me as strange.  I know I can be quoted, as of late, telling all about how great my life is going to be and how I am so confident in that.  Recently, however, I have noticed a change in the pattern.  In my usual thought, I discovered that I am in terrible fear.  I hear how my father talks...my friends talk...my professors, etc.   And I can't help but imagine my life falling into shambles, and having some sort of mid life crisis at 30 years of age.  I mean, it's only 9 years off.  And the more times I hear about what I'm going to be doing in 10 years (the typical conversation starter in an "upscale" social gathering of young adults), the more concerned I get.  I have no freaking clue!!!  I am just focused on finishing school, which is in a little under exactly one year from this date.  Okay okay, but what comes next??  The usual "real world" comment by the attackers and onlookers, as I notify them of my graduation.  What is next, honestly?  Some sort of job?  Is it a career specific job?  How will I even get that job?  What if I don't get a job?  Aside from that, what else may come?  I am not worrying necessarily, but I am just in wonder.  I know it too shall fall into place, but I sometimes wish I knew how it will.

maybe it's easier to confide
within the power of the mind
keeping information inside
while tracking thoughts like dollar signs
warning labels shout
levels of confusion without a doubt
but why would i wanna put out
when I used to let too much out my mouth