Friday, August 19, 2011

I am lost.

I don't know all of the technical psychological terms, but I will do my best in completely describing my present thoughts.  I feel like I am slowly changing as a person.  I know, and am well aware, that everyone changes as they go through life.  But I feel like I am noticing it in myself.  And frankly, it is scaring me a little bit.

To start, I used to be someone who had no problem being open with certain things in my life.  General information, if you will (minus all of the personal things).  I suppose it made me quite personable and welcoming, as a friend.  Well, recently I have noticed that I am changing in that aspect.  I am more likely to internalize a feeling that I have, rather than go on and tell anyone about it.  I feel like it is benefitting me in avoiding bad/negative situations.  I think maybe that is the one thing that I idolize my father for.  He has such a natural ability to keep things to himself, like some sort of FBI agent.  I think that he may use that ability too much, forcing some strained relationships.  I feel like over time, it can cause me to become too distant with certain people.  But I wish I could avoid certain situations, easily, without hesitation.  I have been told that there is an easy way to avoid falling for the usual maze that my mind creates, in its own thoughts, and it seems quite simple; control my thoughts.  Yeah, well I know how to control my thoughts.  I know how to think to avoid complications, but there are still times where I fall into a rut of thought.  I am sure it is clear to see, by some sort of facial expression or tone of voice.  But I want to eliminate that in between; the obvious.  I want to be able to go through my day, and withhold information and hold back from letting people around me know that "something's up."  But maybe this is just a phase.

Also, I am a tad bit scared about my future.  Which comes off to me as strange.  I know I can be quoted, as of late, telling all about how great my life is going to be and how I am so confident in that.  Recently, however, I have noticed a change in the pattern.  In my usual thought, I discovered that I am in terrible fear.  I hear how my father friends professors, etc.   And I can't help but imagine my life falling into shambles, and having some sort of mid life crisis at 30 years of age.  I mean, it's only 9 years off.  And the more times I hear about what I'm going to be doing in 10 years (the typical conversation starter in an "upscale" social gathering of young adults), the more concerned I get.  I have no freaking clue!!!  I am just focused on finishing school, which is in a little under exactly one year from this date.  Okay okay, but what comes next??  The usual "real world" comment by the attackers and onlookers, as I notify them of my graduation.  What is next, honestly?  Some sort of job?  Is it a career specific job?  How will I even get that job?  What if I don't get a job?  Aside from that, what else may come?  I am not worrying necessarily, but I am just in wonder.  I know it too shall fall into place, but I sometimes wish I knew how it will.

maybe it's easier to confide
within the power of the mind
keeping information inside
while tracking thoughts like dollar signs
warning labels shout
levels of confusion without a doubt
but why would i wanna put out
when I used to let too much out my mouth

No comments:

Post a Comment