Wednesday, April 2, 2014


Perfectionism is thought of as a type of mental illness. 

It is defined as a personality trait characterized by a person's striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. It is best conceptualized as a multidimensional characteristic, as psychologists agree that there are many positive and negative aspects. In its maladaptive form, perfectionism drives people to attempt to achieve an unattainable ideal, and their adaptive perfectionism can sometimes motivate them to reach their goals. In the end, they derive pleasure from doing so. When perfectionists do not reach their goals, they often fall into depression.

Natural human behavior would suggest that there is an innate desire to have things move in some sort of pattern or flow. Even those that are “free spirits” have a pattern or flow to their life. It is a form of perfectionism. We all have it; it’s just a matter as to what degree. It is a type of mechanism to ensure stability and positive mental health. Even when altering the mental process, the brain ceases to be committed to its prior function, and adapts to its new set of behaviors.

No one would believe this, even if it was said six months ago, but I do not want to leave Miami after I graduate and finish school, in June.

If there was someone documenting my life, they could accurately quote me entertaining the idea of moving to Australia, roughly one year ago. Not for vacation, mind you, but to start a life. On the surface, I was feeling adventurous, and seeking out a “cool” place to call my new home. Reality would tell the story differently; I needed to escape. After bouncing back and forth from my mother’s house and my father’s house, and having tiffs with each family, respectively, the desire to leave was the simple solution. As a result of not finding a career that fit the lack of experience and overall education I had, I decided to start a new life in Miami. I won’t get so much into the story of going back to school and all that, as I have touched on that before. 

This is different though.

I had the least expectations when arriving in Miami. I was nervous about school. I wanted to get in and get out. I wanted to move far away. But now, things are different. I have adapted to my new life down here. I have gained new friends, experienced different things, and I have a – well – sort of – talking to/dating/in a relationship with someone. So, I suppose it could be concluded that my desire to remain in Miami is a direct result of having someone. While that may be a BIG reason, it is more so part of a larger reason; I am finding my way, and establishing myself down here.
It was a long time coming, though.

I tend to create this imaginary way for myself, and assume that it will work. However, that generally does not work out the way I had intended. I preach patience and timing, but periodically fall short of living it out. Then I end up seeing everything come to fruition, right before my eyes, fitting like two puzzle pieces together. 

Timing is always perfect. I need to learn to be more patient, and let God have His way. “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;” (Psalm 37:7a).

That being said, I may or may not stay in Miami. It isn’t up to me, really. While I still have to apply to job positions and make connections, I do not want the full responsibility of finding my way to wherever the next step may be. The greatest part about it is that I don’t. I was reassured last week, when I was having a conversation with Stacey (yep, that’s her). She said to me, “You don’t have to worry about it RIGHT NOW…it’s not like you have to make a decision between two jobs that are outside of Miami.” She’s right. I suppose I am feeling some pressure from the idea of being done with school so soon.