Wednesday, December 18, 2013

It's Been a While

The other night, as I left class, my eyes were drawn to the moon.  The little scoop of the crescent sat in the sky, as if it was hiding the rest of what the moon had to offer.  Just below the crescent point, there was a bright light.  I normally never look twice at a distant bright light in the sky, as it is normally just another airplane making its descent into the Miami International Airport.  This time though, my eyes were fixed on it.  Something about that light, the way it sat there, floating just below the scantily clad skinny moon, flirting with the sky.

The last four months have flown by.  I have had a lot of thoughts during that period of time, but with all of the stuff going on in my life, it was hard for me not to justify my inactivity on here.  Please bare with me, as I dissect my thoughts, and lay them out here.

During the summer, I felt like I was getting cold feet.  I received a call from my father, and it seemed urgent.  We spoke briefly about my future, mainly my choice to return to school to get my Master's.  He voiced his opinion, and expressed his concern.  He informed me that I should weigh my options, evaluate the costs, and understand the realistic value behind getting the degree.  Immediately becoming anxious, my mind began to race.  Questions circled; "Should I be doing this?" "Does it make sense?" "What will I do after I graduate?" "Is there any REAL value in getting a Master's in Sport Administration?" "Doesn't the University have enough pull?"  Then I received another phone call from a 305 area code.  The voice on the other end had great news.  A notification was being given to me, as I qualified and was accepted into the scholarship internship program at the university.  My confidence was lifted and I already committed to attend, but I was still in question of the choice to go.  Last August, as I packed my backpack for the final time in undergraduate school, a promise was made that I would never go back to school as long as I lived.  I love to learn, and am intrigued by a lot of things, but I suppose I get lost in the intimidation of what school brings to the table.  I am lost in thought, as my phone nearly vibrates off the counter.  I see several emails coming through, notifying me that the loan applied for has been approved.  As I pulled my socks onto my feet, I recognized that the feeling was being lifted.

It has been probably about 2 months now, but I was having these odd dreams.  I can't recall the entirety of any of them, but each one included a semi-familiar face.  My ex-girlfriend and I haven't spoken in about a year and a half.  Following some dumb decisions I had made, I can understand her distance.  That's the weird part of having her in my dreams though.  We haven't talked in a long while, and I haven't seen her in an even longer period of time.  I decided it was time to patch some things up.  A couple minutes, and a carefully composed email later, I clicked send.  It was merely an apologetic email, followed by well wishes.  What followed shocked me the most; I was ignored/blocked/de-friended on all social media platforms.  Oh, and I never received a response to the email that I am 100% sure was read.  You know, I have had plenty of talks with people about the issue of feelings that I have for her, but nothing has been resolved internally.  I have come to the realization that I made a mistake with how I handled the situation.  At the time I believed I was acting rationally (which is laughable now to me, because as I continued to see her best friend, I continued to think about how much I missed her, and how bad of a replacement her friend was).  But now it is different.  Maybe the 21 month period since we last spoke matured me.  I feel like I grow on a daily basis, but this sort of just came out of nowhere and slapped me in the face with wisdom.  I realized that I lost so much that spring, out of selfish gain.  Instead of looking out for the well-being of everyone involved in the situation, I acted out of impulse, and made an irrational decision.  So, here I sit, with little to no communication with her best friend, ZERO contact with her, or any of the friends I made while dating her, and just last month apologized to the youth pastor at the church, becoming friends again.

I was at work, chatting with a co-worker, when she brought up this phone application called Tinder.  I had never heard of it before, so she filled me in on what it was all about. "'s a phone app that you swipe right or left, depending on if you like or dislike the person that is on the screen." TRUE. So, you swipe left and right, yes or no, based on what the person looks like, with minimal (at best) information about the person. Sounds about right. It seems to be like everything else in the present dating scene. Really minimal real contact, a lot of judgment passed, nothing known about the person, looking more for some sort of momentary sexual satisfaction. What does that solve though? Does it accomplish the mission to satisfy the desire of having companionship? NO! All these dating sites and dating apps are merely ways to easily hookup with people (I think that's stating the obvious).

So what it is that drives us to the idea that something could work with a random stranger?

The idea of having a girlfriend floats around in my head. Idea of having a girlfriend...who am I? I am similar to everyone else on this planet, I suppose. I desire to have human contact and human companionship. If I don't have it, I feel this emptiness/void. It doesn't make much sense to me, why I desire it so much. Is it what the media has created; this fairy-tale world of how relationships are supposed to be? I've had enough of it! It keeps my mind in this seesaw motion, between wanting a relationship, and not. I am torn between two worlds; one that desires to have pure companionship and relationships, and one that dismisses the idea that it is essential to life.

And then there's the void...

Void (n.): a completely empty space.

Fortunately, the void that I feel is filled, daily. I simply [sometimes] need a reminder of what I have in life. A reminder of how merciful God is, how graceful Jesus is, and how much my life has been impacted by people who are placed in it for the purpose of helping me to learn. And where does this girlfriend fit in my life? Somewhere, sometime, at some point in the future. I can't set the plan for myself and expect things to work out perfectly. I am not an expert manipulator (not even in my own life).

I just have to remind myself that if I am patient, the time will come eventually.

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." -Albert Einstein

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Identity Crisis

I was born into this earth knowing nothing; clueless to everything that was happening around me.  Like a child's baby doll, I was passed around from person to person; celebrating my birth.  I wonder how birth can be such a celebrated event.  Is it because it's the start to life?

I have heard that life is beautiful.  I can't deny that concept, but I question it.  Why would someone want to bring a life into this cruel world?  Because you know everyone has gone through something in their life.  Is the intention to bring joy to you and your family, while trying your best to ensure the child's perfect care [and livelihood]?  Thirty seconds into watching a news station, and that concept may seem too far out of reach to be possible.  So then what, we create life in order to fix ours?  Our marriages?  Our stress from work?  Did we not see how our parents did it?  I suppose the old adage, "learn from your mistakes" should apply here.  Or maybe one about continuing to do the same thing over and over again, because we [as humans] decide that we learn by example, regardless if any mistake was made. 

It's a sad thought, you know, being so complacent of what is going on around me, while subconsciously absorbing nearly all of it.  Researchers say that the period from birth to the age of three is when we develop most rapidly.  During that period, we are so susceptible to our surroundings.  We are a human sponge; "The human brain begins forming very early in prenatal life (just three weeks after conception), but in many ways, brain development is a lifelong project. That is because the same events that shape the brain during development are also responsible for storing information—new skills and memories—throughout life. The major difference between brain development in a child versus learning an adult is a matter of degree the brain is far more impressionable (neuroscientists use the term plastic) in early life than in maturity. This plasticity has both a positive and a negative side. On the positive side, it means that young children's brains are more open to learning and enriching influences. On the negative side, it also means that young children's brains are more vulnerable to developmental problems should their environment prove especially impoverished or un-nurturing."

There is definitely purpose to life.  People come together, and have a baby as a result of fornication, but we are all created by God.  That, I am a firm believer of.  That sole reason is why we have a purpose of life.  In that way, life is beautiful, because we are beautifully made.  It still doesn't explain to me why this world is so corrupt though.  If we go with the learn by example concept, then we find that we all become copy cats.  We conform to the world that is.  By doing that, we aren't the only one's that suffer the consequences.  Violence is contagious.  The interesting thing is that happiness is contagious as well.  If we step out, to be different from the norm, instill the lead by example notion, then we can change the world.

No, I am not a peace activist.  You won't see me nude, in the streets, picketing some free world garbage.  I just feel like people live life in such disposition to anyone that is different from them, and I struggle with the idea of how that could work.  And by different, I mean positively different from them; not the person who is overly joyed, hugging and kissing everyone (again, the street hippie vision in my head).  And then, as if it is part of the clockwork that is my life, I begin to think deeply into reasons why people have this predisposition of hatred towards others.  What was it?  You know, we are elastic from childbirth through the age of three...and after, we continue to absorb what we see and experience. Based on how the world is, one would assume that the majority of things people are subconsciously consuming have to be negative. And what benefit to us is that?  Gosh, I am talking in circles again.  I digress.

Tug of war was never my favorite game.  I never fully enjoyed the concept of pulling harder than someone on the other side, to cause them all to fall down.  Maybe because I was living that  life.  I was born to two confused people, raised under the wing of the parent who had "custody" of me, expected to make a way for myself.  As I grew up, I was exposed to a split family at its finest.  I went back and forth from parent to parent.  Each household had its own way of living, its own way of parenting.  My father is Jewish, my mother a Christian; my father liberal, my mother conservative; my father aggressive, my mother passive; my father sexually driven, my mother emotionally driven...    I was in a lifestyle out of the norm; I absorbed everything.

I suppose my parents were right though; I do have to make a way for myself.  Yeah, my parents know people, and have their connections, but that really doesn't help me right now.  I would say that they have done enough...or enough as they could/knew how to do.  I can also say that I do not have the best relationship with either parent.  I have part of my father's temper, and my mother's emotions.  I have split political views, and sometimes can't even find reason to care.  I was formerly sexually driven, then I came to understand the numbing feeling that it left for me.  See, in the moment, it is fantastic, but following that fantastic spec of time [as compared to my  existence] I am left with emptiness, and my future relationships have suffered the consequences of my past.  That is negative as well as positive.  See, the things that have happened in my past make me who I am today.  And I know that statement can be overused, but it's true.  I am the best me today that I can be, or at least try to be. 

The momentary satisfaction of the things in this world is what causes the corruption.  We all seek pleasure, but the things in which people find it are not the best.  The tendency to gravitate towards the social norm, is disturbing.  We naturally slide into the ebb and flow of society.  Even those who state that they never conform to society and are different, tend to be one in the same with everyone else.  People drink/do drugs/have sex because they are told it is the "thing to do".  Humans desire to have the acceptance of others, so fitting into the groove of the world is what they resort to. 

You know, I have found that I have a great memory.  I have the ability to remember exact events, verbatim, as if I was there at that very moment.  Some memories are good, and some memories are bad.  Everything that has entered my head remains somewhere deep within my subconscious.  At times I struggle to find who I actually am, as a person.  Maybe that is one of the results of being able to vividly mimic a large variety of different people that I have heard speak or have seen.  Amidst the laughter and jeers, my mind wanders in directions unknown to those on the outside.  The mask that is put on, in the form of the mocking of a celebrity or friend of mine, only covers up what I truly feel inside.  I am lost in this world, like a wandering sheep who doesn't belong.  Or maybe I am just not like other people.

We are all uniquely our own.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Take a Dive

The other day I was at work, working on some mundane assignment given to me in order to keep the look of remaining busy. I decided to take a break and see what was going on around the gym, as the sales office tends to get boring as the late afternoon progresses into the evening hour. I stood in the door frame, pondering about the next step in life. I know I'll be out of there when I start school in the fall. 

Is that what I really want? 

I find myself enjoying comfort ability, mostly. I'm not as bad I used to be, or could be, but I still like the idea of knowing what could possibly happen as I take my next step (literally and metaphorically). And as I move on, there is a lot to think about. The dreaded idea of going back to school is one. See, I enjoy learning. I like the class atmosphere. There's just something about having a responsibility to do tasks that someone else gives to me, with the expectation that I'll deliver it to them as they have hoped and wished for. As I type that statement, I realize how ignorant that makes me sound. That is life. That is how life works. Even when we are the owner of the company, we still have to answer to someone. And I don't think I'm better than anyone or anything. I just believe that I am able to carry my own weight in life. 

I'm deviating. 

Fall will come, as will school, and the hope of an internship. All will be well and good, for this I am certain. 

I watch as children run away from their parents, and head for the front door of the facility. The first little girl slams into the door, but is far too light to pry it open on her own. She gets called back by her mother, and retreats. And almost as fast as the child is reared back to safety, her brother mimics her. Except for him, it's different. I, along with the three other people at the front desk, watch on as this child makes a bee line for the door. Right as he hits the door, I instinctually take off after him (I have seen it far too many times where the kid blows through the door. Normally the parent is close to them, but not this time). Next thing I know, I'm in the middle of the street with a young boy in my arms with a car stopped to my right, about ten feet away. I hand him off to his mother and walk back inside the gym. The people who are standing around the front desk make jokes about how I saved a life, and about how I'm a hero. I brush it off and go back into the office. 

I still can't get that moment out of my head. I panicked. I never panic. I left that in middle school, with the rest of my awkwardness. But I did. I couldn't help it. Was it a "fatherly" instinct? Was it just by coincidence? What if I wasn't there at that very moment? I can't help but wonder about these things, as I think about the child's safety that was at risk. It was almost as if it was an intentional testing of my faith. You see, lately I've been feeling like I need to do more. More things to display my beliefs, so people can see how I have been wonderfully blessed in my life. The problem that I have though, is drawing the line between hero and a follower of Christ. I don't like the word hero anyway. It makes me cringe at the idea that people can stick their chin out so far that they take credit for something, as to brag about it. I can admit that I have done it before, but I even despise myself for doing it as well. I didn't go after the kid because I was trying to be a hero. I went after the kid because that's what I was supposed to do. 

And am I supposed to go to school? I am unsure if there is an answer as of yet, but I have to trust that God has me on the path that will help me to be the best person that I can be. 

So yesterday I was working out in the gym, when one of my friends came up to me. I asked him what was going on, and was surprised by the answer. He told me that he was going skydiving tomorrow and needed someone to go with, and asked if I wanted to go. I've never been before, and didn't really think he'd event follow through on it. Low and behold, at around 1 pm today, I was standing on the edge of a plane doorway. With an instructor strapped to my back, and a harness around me, I took flight. I plunged to the earth at around 120 mph for a one minute free fall. And when it all slowed down, as the parachute was deployed, I was able to glance out into the land of the surrounding area. I noticed the incredible beauty that comes with the view from being so high off the ground, and felt peace. 

Life isn't alway like that, so peaceful and all, but I can't let that get me down. I have realized that in order to have peace, I have to be able to take life as it comes without getting myself all out of whack. 

As the instructor said to me, while dangling half out of the side of the plane, ready, set, GO!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

My Life From a Different Angle

It's pretty routine, you know.

I wake up to the alarm sound, after battling the sunlight coming in through the windows for the last hour or so; tossing and turning, begging for a rewind of time so I could be in bed earlier the prior night.  I reach for my phone on the nightstand, and swipe the screen to stop the clamoring noise from buzzing in my ears.  Slapping the keyboard, my computer wakes up from a slumber of its own.  The bright display shrinks my pupils to nothing, as I squint to see the screen.  I take to reloading pages of social networks, to find that nothing important occurred over night.  Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I roll back over, away from the computer.  My phone in hand, with the hope being that I received a sweet text message while I was asleep; nothing. 


I stretch my limbs until I feel the short carpet beneath my feet. 

The brain is the most powerful, yet least fully understood organ in the human body.  It is probably studied more than any other organ, but still there are questions as to how different parts work.  I suppose there are too many variables, from person to person.  It fascinates me.  When I think about how I think, how I do things, and see the differences in other people, the brain seems that much more interesting.  Some people view human behaviors based on a neurological chemically induced action.  Others may believe that people do things based on some influence that they've had at a time in their past.  Either way, I know that the brain is responsible for all actions made; good or bad, intentional or unintentional.

I gingerly crack each of the six eggs, one at a time; mixing in the exact amount of milk drops and cheese to perfect the scrambled eggs, as I pour them into a precisely buttered pan on the stove.  As I watch the mixture begin to bubble slowly, I place the ginger-lemon tea bag into a mug.  The microwave sounds just as I am transferring the cooked eggs onto a plate.  Steam hovers over the plate of eggs, and the mug of tea, as I hear Neil Everett and Stan Verrett's voices emulate from the TV. 

It really is the brain's complexity that gets me.  It is so impressively complex, that even the brain can't comprehend itself.  I think the greatest part of the mystery behind the complexity, is that it isn't man made.  Maybe that's why the brain, and its functions are so hard to understand.

Here's an excerpt from an article (Brain's Complexity 'Is Beyond Anything Imagined' by Brian Thomas, M.S.) about the brain:

The brain has for a long time been compared to man-made computers in its astounding ability to process, store, and route information. But a new imaging technique has revealed that just one brain's connections and capacities far outnumber and outpace those of all the world's computers. And this makes the question of the origin of brains that much more difficult for naturalistic explanations.
The imaging technique, called array tomography, detected light emitted by mouse nervous tissue that had been bio engineered to produce proteins that glow. Additional luminous chemicals were added, and these attached to specific areas in the mouse brains, adding more colors and allowing for the detection of much more information.
New computer software processed all the data to produce stunning three-dimensional images of never-before-seen brain cell connections. A study was published in the journal Neuron to showcase the usefulness of array tomography, but the technical paper also provided broad implications for neurobiology.
Array tomography could "resolve fine details at the level of synapses,"1 allowing researchers to view the highest resolution of detail among nerve images yet. They could see individual synapses, the tiny connection points that link nerve cells together, as well as their different types and subtypes.
"[The researchers] found that the brain's complexity is beyond anything they'd imagined," according to an article appearing in the Health Tech section of the online news source CNET.2 For instance, they found that the total number of synapses in a brain roughly equaled the number of stars in 1,500 Milky Way galaxies! And memory patterns and tiny on/off switches, which were long thought to reside in the larger neuron cell bodies, were instead found to be smaller than the tiny synapse connections. Each of the neurons imaged in the study serves thousands of synapses.
Stanford University professor and senior study author Stephen Smith said that "one synapse may contain on the order of 1,000 molecular-scale switches. A single human brain has more switches than all the computers and routers and Internet connections on Earth."2 This research multiplies the brain's overall computing power far beyond what was previously known.
The more complicated a system is, the stronger it argues for having been intentionally designed. And brains certainly qualify, despite assertions that random-acting natural processes somehow assembled them. In these cases, the burden of proof lies heavily on those who insist that such systems are not in fact what they plainly appear to be: the products of intentional ingenious design.
The God of the Bible stands as the most tenable source of the specified complexity of interconnected neurons upon which human and much animal life depends. Until a naturalistic alternative can explain how a self-healing, adaptive, cosmic-sized internet of connectivity has been shrunk down to the size of a brain, then it is best to identify this hyper-tech design as being the product of a real Designer. And until an objective body of evidence can legitimately debunk the Bible's historicity and proven accuracy, then it is best to identify this Designer as the Creator and Sustainer revealed in Scripture.

I dry my hands on the towel in the kitchen, as I glance back at the counter top.  Surveying the room, I can see my steps as a shadow of myself; moving throughout the kitchen, covering nearly every square inch, while prepping, cooking, eating, and cleaning up after my meal.  A sigh of relief, and a smile brush over my face; I am ready for the day.

Monday, March 18, 2013

How to Lose Your Life Pt. 2 (My Rock)

While I was working at Best Buddies, I became good friends with this guy JR.  He once told me that I am an introspective millennial.  It was explained to me that the newer generation (the "millennial") was very introspective in their way of life.  He said that I am someone who is more inclined to reflect on the decisions that I made, rather than accept my past for what it is, and move on.  I have to admit, he has a point.  My tendency is to delve into an event or occurrence, analyze why/how it happened, and come up with a solution.  I don't know if I always come up with a definitively concrete conclusion of how to solve the issue, or if I am just using some sort of excuse as a justification for why the event may have taken place.  Either way, it is my solution in an attempt to allow my heart and mind to be at rest.

I have also been told by many friends, and [unfortunately] ex girlfriends, that I tend to overanalyze every situation that I am in.  That was correct!  I have been able to tone it down a little bit.  I can safely call it more of a subtle observation, rather than the dramatically defined term, 'overanalyze'.  But how can you blame me?  If I am an introspective millennial...!!  That would simply be a justification for my actions.  I am far too smart to believe, even myself for a minute, saying that!  One thing that I do know, is that it is my past, that has led me to be so analytical, and introspective.  I suppose the thought is that I have been trying my best to ensure that I would not fail, in order to please others in my life.

Mainly my father.  I could always hear his voice in my head, as I was growing up.  He instilled taking care of business, before play.  That model makes sense, but it has rattled my senses a bit.  And now that I am older, and have a much greater understanding of life in a broader sense, I am able to see the flaws in that theory.  First and foremost, every single human being is wired differently.  That being said, it is easy to deduce that something that may work for one person may not work for another person.  Yes, I enjoy working.  Yes, I enjoy being successful in what I pursue.  But no, I do not want to be what my father is.  He has had such great success in his career, but it has come with a cost.  In becoming successful, he has sacrificed his relationship with individuals in his family.  It isn't necessary to get into the comparing and contrasting of his successes and failures.  I simply want to note that I do not desire to be like my father.

I mean, I am not my father anyway!  I was born my own self, with my own name, and my own future.  Not to mention, being that he and my mother weren't together for too much longer after I was born, I wouldn't have his constant influence.  All of these factors lead one to believe that I would never fall into the trap that is the shadow of my father's steps, but I fell for it nonetheless.

All the time I was growing up, I believed that I was living my own life.  Lately, I have come to realize that I had really been living my life for my father.  I desired for him to be so happy, that I sacrificed my own wants, for his.  On the surface it wouldn't seem like much, but internally, it is far too evident for me to be satisfied with it.  I took tests in school, with the hopes that I would be successful, to make him happy with me.  I went to FSU, because that was what he suggested.  I was reminded as I lifted weights, that I had my father's build.  Daily, my father and I would talk sports, and ESPN became my 24 hour TV source.  When we weren't talking about sports, it was about women and sex, and now I have a misconstrued concept of sex [and an STD].  When I look at my life, I see bits and pieces of him, in what I have become.  I have also become aware that in the past couple of years (college [or reflective] years), I speak less with my father.  Why?  Because he and I have less to talk about.  I became expressive about my faith, and he still doesn't take the time to understand my thoughts and feelings.  I got a tattoo, which he told me was not the smartest thing I could do.  I transfered home from FSU, when he told me that I was stupid for doing so.  I lost my desire for continual sexual contact with people whom I cared less about, something he still doesn't get.  I now lift weights for myself, to forget about life for a while.  I rarely watch sports, but now have a deeper connection with the sports industry from a business aspect.  I have changed.

What changed me?

I could say that being introspective allowed me to reach deep within myself, to pull out the real me, but that is far too cliche.  What I can say, is that I have changed as a human being.  I grew up.  The 2012 "Mission Matt" was a justification.  It was a way for me to get past all of the negative things that occurred in my life, in a short period of time, to start 2012 off on the wrong foot.  I simply needed some time to figure out some things in life.

Everybody has their struggles in life, but the thing that I hope to instill in every life that I can influence is this: "you are yourself; nobody has your name, your face, your soul, and your future.  Live life as life should be for you.  Do not live in the shadow of others, but enjoy their company as friends and family."

P.s.  this also helps me to keep my head up: Psalm 18.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

How to Lose Your Life Pt. 1 (Retribution)

I am done.  I have been discounted.  I am no longer worth anything.

All because one day I decided to speak how I feel, I have become a target.  You know, nearly 18 years ago, my father got remarried.  At the time, I was a five year old boy.  I was just beginning my life.  According to developmental psychologists, I was just beginning to encode observations and experiences into memories.  According to my pediatrician, I was growing as planned.  According to my teachers in school, I was smart.  I would love to speak to a psychologist now.  I would love to go see a doctor now.  I would love to talk to some teachers.  Tell me how I am now.  Evaluate me some 18 years later, and tell me how I have turned out.  I currently sit here with a degree, no job, no girlfriend, and no definitive plan for the future. It's all up in the air.

Saturday, December 29th we went out to dinner, as a family.  I had a job.  Some random girl had been texting me, trying to be in a relationship (which I was obviously not having, for obvious reasons).  I felt strongly about my future.  Then, as I glanced over the menu, I became distraught.  See, I found something that I thought sounded scrumptious.  The issue is that the meal that I wanted was a couple of dollars more expensive than the other desired meals.  This isn't a problem for me, had I been paying for myself, but as history shows, there has been a tendency for Mom to comment on the person who order the most expensive meal.  Sharing this information with both Liv and Michael at the table turned into a much bigger deal than expected.  I had roughly six talks with Daddy over the course of a month, I was given a month to move out, and I had to quit my job.  It wasn't looking too good for me, and it was taking a toll on me mentally.

Daily, I was being ignored by Mom, then the girls joined in, and even conversations with Daddy had become sparse and awkward.  I tried to search for an answer.  A reason for all of this.  I suppose I could say that I still haven't found a real reason for all of the actions taken against me.  What I do know, is that this isn't the first time that Mom had decided to make a big deal out of something that I have done.  I recall several times in the past, when a family vacation was being planned and I somehow "got in trouble" before the trip, and was forced to stay home.  It never made sense to me at the time, but now it has all come together.  The times when I thought that Daddy and I were having a good conversation or building a good relationship has become falsified.  It's not that I believe that he wasn't sincere in his efforts, but as he has proved in the past few months, his "family" holds a much greater importance to him, than his relationship with me or Michael.

I apologize for the sloppiness in which I have written this blog post.  I have told this story for what feels like a million times over, and it is getting old to me.  I wish things could be different in my life, but one might sarcastically respond to that by saying, "since when?"  I guess I am just trying to figure out where I belong in my own life.  Or maybe it's called growing up.

I have just begun.

Friday, January 18, 2013


I was in early elementary school, when my teacher asked me to draw a picture of what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I don't recall what I drew that day in class, but I am sure that it was some sort of imaginative idea of what I wanted to be when I "grew up".  Children, at a young age, generally choose interesting professions, such as astronauts, animal trainers, professional athletes, etc.  As they get older, the answers become a little bit more grounded and reasonable; doctors, lawyers, teachers.  I am sure that this question could be asked to people, every five years (or so) and continuously get different answers.  See, the question is too general, and very subject to the situation someone is in.  As an elementary school student, we are influenced by what we see on TV, hear on the radio, or what our parents tell us.  As we age, we tend to expand our knowledge, based on different things that we experience, and our answer to what we want to be changes.  What about different questions: How do you want to live your life?  What situation do you want to be in?  What interests do you find fascinating, and would like to pursue?  Questions that a child's mind isn't expansive enough to answer.

I suppose someone is meant to know the answers to those questions, at some point in their life.  I don't think that is necessarily true though.  I sort of struggle with the idea of knowing exactly how I want my life to be.  Granted, I am only about a week shy of my completing my 23rd year, but I like to think that I would have a better grasp on the concept of my own life, after roughly a third of it has gone by.  Needless to say, I don't.  I have been overcome by an overwhelming feeling of my true self.  I fail to have the ability to focus on some things that are right in front of my face.  I assume that this is another one of those "steps to maturity", but I lack the feeling of satisfaction with this one.  Maybe I should just "wait it out".  But I seem to lose hope in myself, amid the time of the waiting game.  I guess it has been innately established, within me, to constantly try to problem solve.  It has its positives, but right now, it isn't working.

I think about the future, sometimes.  I think about how great it could be.  I imagine all of the opportunities I could have; all of the excitement; all of the adventure.  I can say that I have noticed a change in myself.  Even as recent as within this past year, I have been able to radically alter the way of my thinking.  I remember when I was in college, my father had brought up the idea of studying abroad.  I knew people who did it, and heard their incredible stories, but I still felt so unsure of it.  My obsessive compulsion would take over, and I would find something wrong with the idea of leaving the country.  "I don't think it's right for me", I'd say, dismissively.

Miami is a fine city.  It is the second largest city, in fact, in Florida, by population size.  It is almost as much of a melting pot of ethnic backgrounds, as New York City is (just by mere observation).  Which, I must say, actually fascinates me.  From a distance, so I've learned.  Periodically visiting well known sites and places adds excitement, upon arrival.  Once someone actually lives in that place for a certain period of time, it becomes dulled.  Especially when bad experiences occur in new places, the location is immediately associated with some sort of negativity.

The noise of a new message on Skype interrupts my train of thought.  A friend from work tells me that she has a secret.  I promise her I won't tell, and she arrives at the opening to my office, about as fast as she pressed the enter key.  She passes on her secret to me, via whisper, that she is going to move to Australia in April, to go to school, and to just simply get away.

I am overcome with envy.

I know. I know.  The Bible speaks that one should not be envious.  I know that it is morally wrong to desire the things that others have, simply because you don't have them or can't obtain them.  And maybe this is me dramatically stating that I have had many thoughts about leaving.  Not just this job, this city, this state, but this country.  And not only would I love to travel, and visit different places (until they become dulled, of course), but I would love to actually live in another country.

I feel like what has been stupidly named Mission Matt 2012, actually held true.  In trying to find myself, and going through a lot of different things in this past year, I have finally come around.  It took long enough (almost 23 years to be exact), and I haven't lost much (except some of my hairline)!  All kidding aside, what was assumed to be a relaxed last five weeks of 2012, turned into much more.  Instead, I found that I was more open to different things, more willing to be laid back and to see how things played out...responsibly.

As I watch the cursor click, I proceed to write with trepidation.

I am ready to plan a move to Australia, in 2014.