I suppose someone is meant to know the answers to those questions, at some point in their life. I don't think that is necessarily true though. I sort of struggle with the idea of knowing exactly how I want my life to be. Granted, I am only about a week shy of my completing my 23rd year, but I like to think that I would have a better grasp on the concept of my own life, after roughly a third of it has gone by. Needless to say, I don't. I have been overcome by an overwhelming feeling of my true self. I fail to have the ability to focus on some things that are right in front of my face. I assume that this is another one of those "steps to maturity", but I lack the feeling of satisfaction with this one. Maybe I should just "wait it out". But I seem to lose hope in myself, amid the time of the waiting game. I guess it has been innately established, within me, to constantly try to problem solve. It has its positives, but right now, it isn't working.
I think about the future, sometimes. I think about how great it could be. I imagine all of the opportunities I could have; all of the excitement; all of the adventure. I can say that I have noticed a change in myself. Even as recent as within this past year, I have been able to radically alter the way of my thinking. I remember when I was in college, my father had brought up the idea of studying abroad. I knew people who did it, and heard their incredible stories, but I still felt so unsure of it. My obsessive compulsion would take over, and I would find something wrong with the idea of leaving the country. "I don't think it's right for me", I'd say, dismissively.
Miami is a fine city. It is the second largest city, in fact, in Florida, by population size. It is almost as much of a melting pot of ethnic backgrounds, as New York City is (just by mere observation). Which, I must say, actually fascinates me. From a distance, so I've learned. Periodically visiting well known sites and places adds excitement, upon arrival. Once someone actually lives in that place for a certain period of time, it becomes dulled. Especially when bad experiences occur in new places, the location is immediately associated with some sort of negativity.
The noise of a new message on Skype interrupts my train of thought. A friend from work tells me that she has a secret. I promise her I won't tell, and she arrives at the opening to my office, about as fast as she pressed the enter key. She passes on her secret to me, via whisper, that she is going to move to Australia in April, to go to school, and to just simply get away.
I am overcome with envy.
I know. I know. The Bible speaks that one should not be envious. I know that it is morally wrong to desire the things that others have, simply because you don't have them or can't obtain them. And maybe this is me dramatically stating that I have had many thoughts about leaving. Not just this job, this city, this state, but this country. And not only would I love to travel, and visit different places (until they become dulled, of course), but I would love to actually live in another country.
I feel like what has been stupidly named Mission Matt 2012, actually held true. In trying to find myself, and going through a lot of different things in this past year, I have finally come around. It took long enough (almost 23 years to be exact), and I haven't lost much (except some of my hairline)! All kidding aside, what was assumed to be a relaxed last five weeks of 2012, turned into much more. Instead, I found that I was more open to different things, more willing to be laid back and to see how things played out...responsibly.
As I watch the cursor click, I proceed to write with trepidation.
I am ready to plan a move to Australia, in 2014.