I am done. I have been discounted. I am no longer worth anything.
All because one day I decided to speak how I feel, I have become a target. You know, nearly 18 years ago, my father got remarried. At the time, I was a five year old boy. I was just beginning my life. According to developmental psychologists, I was just beginning to encode observations and experiences into memories. According to my pediatrician, I was growing as planned. According to my teachers in school, I was smart. I would love to speak to a psychologist now. I would love to go see a doctor now. I would love to talk to some teachers. Tell me how I am now. Evaluate me some 18 years later, and tell me how I have turned out. I currently sit here with a degree, no job, no girlfriend, and no definitive plan for the future. It's all up in the air.
Saturday, December 29th we went out to dinner, as a family. I had a job. Some random girl had been texting me, trying to be in a relationship (which I was obviously not having, for obvious reasons). I felt strongly about my future. Then, as I glanced over the menu, I became distraught. See, I found something that I thought sounded scrumptious. The issue is that the meal that I wanted was a couple of dollars more expensive than the other desired meals. This isn't a problem for me, had I been paying for myself, but as history shows, there has been a tendency for Mom to comment on the person who order the most expensive meal. Sharing this information with both Liv and Michael at the table turned into a much bigger deal than expected. I had roughly six talks with Daddy over the course of a month, I was given a month to move out, and I had to quit my job. It wasn't looking too good for me, and it was taking a toll on me mentally.
Daily, I was being ignored by Mom, then the girls joined in, and even conversations with Daddy had become sparse and awkward. I tried to search for an answer. A reason for all of this. I suppose I could say that I still haven't found a real reason for all of the actions taken against me. What I do know, is that this isn't the first time that Mom had decided to make a big deal out of something that I have done. I recall several times in the past, when a family vacation was being planned and I somehow "got in trouble" before the trip, and was forced to stay home. It never made sense to me at the time, but now it has all come together. The times when I thought that Daddy and I were having a good conversation or building a good relationship has become falsified. It's not that I believe that he wasn't sincere in his efforts, but as he has proved in the past few months, his "family" holds a much greater importance to him, than his relationship with me or Michael.
I apologize for the sloppiness in which I have written this blog post. I have told this story for what feels like a million times over, and it is getting old to me. I wish things could be different in my life, but one might sarcastically respond to that by saying, "since when?" I guess I am just trying to figure out where I belong in my own life. Or maybe it's called growing up.
I have just begun.