It is Time...

I presently have many thoughts.  Why do I feel like it is necessary for me to preface a blog about my thoughts, with that statement?

I figure because this entry may turn into another one of my rants.

**Sigh** Here goes nothing..

Okay.  I feel like I have been on a spiritual tear lately.  I feel like I am catching myself doing/saying/thinking bad things, and stopping myself.  I am trying to make myself the best person I can be.  Most importantly, I have been going to God more.  On a moment by moment basis, rather than when I get to it.  It has helped improve my morale, in turn, making it much more enjoyable to go throughout my days.

A lot happened this past weekend.  I went on a road trip with my youth pastor, to a few of the state colleges.  Along the way, I learned many things.

The first thing that I learned, is how to be happy, and free from momentary worries.  In the car on Friday morning, windows down (not too good of an A/C in his car (side note: I sweat the most than anyone I know, and have this ridiculously insane body heat that seems to have a hard time cooling down)), cruising through the state, I realized somethings.

1. Worry
Why do we worry about the little things?  I know we may ask ourselves this on the daily, but seriously!  I wonder this all the time, but as I began to sweat through my shirt on the car ride, I realized I have changed.  The guy that used to get twirked out about being uncomfortable, hot, etc., was the same guy just chilling (figuratively, obviously).  As a result of this discovery about myself, I learned something else.

2. Life
There is more to life than to have to think too deeply in the momentary, small picture.  Finding myself forced into a position where I would formerly be extremely uncomfortable, I was able to embrace life.

TANGENT:  This is my new thing.  A new realization, if you will.  What we have is a gift.  I believe I have already acknowledged that in a previous entry.  But next time you get in your car, roll the windows down, drive the speed limit, feel the wind, and embrace it.  Next time you see something, a flower, or a tree, or even freshly cut grass, take a look, a smell, and embrace it.  How do you embrace life?  Here's kind of how it struck me the other day:  Jesus is God's gift to us.  Naturally, as church has taught us, we are supposed to embrace Him.  But think about it for a second.  When it is a holiday or our birthday, and we may receive gifts...how do we treat them?  Let's say you open the gift, and you despise it.  So you put it on the shelf to hang.  Not really paying it any mind.  Now, what if you really think it's okay?  So you store it somewhere, and use it every once in a while, right?  And what if you open the gift you have received, and you absolutely LOVE it!?  So you use the item to it's greatest ability, until it runs out.  Now put Jesus in the place of the material gift you may have gotten.  Is He just hanging on your shelf, used every once in a while, or is He being used to his greatest ability?  See, the neat thing that I have learned, is that Jesus is the greatest gift we have received...ever!  He isn't a lame, that just gets tossed into your closet.  He isn't just okay...and gets used periodically.  He isn't used until He runs out either.  He is ever lasting.
As I drove home from school today, I had the thought in my head...Jesus is always there, God is always in us since the beginning of time.  It's just a matter of how you use the gift.

P.S. a few updates...
I have had a week of awesomeness, and have decided that I have added the goal to go to seminary upon completion of undergraduate studies.  It is something that I have thought about in the past, but now I just feel so called to do it.  God has placed it on my heart for a reason.  And with that, I am thoroughly, newly excited for what God has to offer in my life.  Yeah there are going to be times where it may be rough, but knowing He is always there is quite reassuring.

A Noted Revelation

The average human being lives to be 67.2 years old.

When you look into the rear view mirror of your life, at whatever age you may be, what do you see?

Do you see the successes, the failures, a combination of the two?

And then how would you rate your life, on a scale of 1-10?  Or how about if your life was a movie?  5 stars, two thumbs up?

I would have to say that if my life was a movie, it would be a box office flop!  There are too many ups and downs, and by the time the roller coaster ride of a film came to an end, viewers would be nauseated.  Looking back at my life, there are certain points that stick out at me.  I figure that it is time to share.

• From the time I could remember, I have never had a home in which there existed a relationship between my mother and father.  Growing up was a constant push and pull.  I had the feeling of resentment towards my step mother for the longest time.  I also gradually began to gravitate towards my step father for fatherly comfort.  As time progressed, I learned more about my family (all spread wide by now).
• When I was 13, I had a Bar Mitzvah.  My father's family is Jewish, and as tradition has it, it was my turn.  I remember the year, or so, leading up to it.  All of the preparation; learning terms, prayers, etc., in another language.  On top of all that, having to do the invitation/party coordination.  It was a fun ride though.  I seemingly enjoyed having the party and counting all my earnings at the end of the night, most of all.  
• At the age of 16 is when I had my stab at what life can hit you with.  On April 30th of that year, my grandfather passed away.  It was my first conscious experience with death, being a person I had been close with.  It also signified the first time in my life that I sought after God, and also questioned Him.  Soon after, I became baptized at my church.  That day, I professed my faith in Jesus Christ.  Soon after, I got into my first car accident.  I totaled my old, beater car, and came face-to-face with a little reality.  
• When I was 17 years old, I lost my virginity.  Something made to be sacred, and planned, went totally wrong.  As classic as it became, it led to an interesting following few years.
• At 18, I went off to college.  I went away to school, far from home.  In my first year there, I made chasing tail a hobby.  I found myself so narrow-minded in my relationship focus, that it makes me cringe.  
• Still away at school, at 19, just following my freshman year, I became carried away.  I was eventually diagnosed with genital herpes.  This led me to feel like the butt of the majority of jokes, punch lines, and stabs.  And at the time, less than a handful of people even knew about it.  I eventually let it go, and avoided the frustrations by it.  I just had to be more careful.  The year or so following that, I continued with my extra curricular activities.
• I came home from school after my second year.  I enrolled at a local state university, and aimed to better myself.  The sexual activity decreased, and I began to attend church more regularly again. (correlation?)
• I presently have not had sex in nearly a year, and am not planning on it anytime soon.  I am in a loving relationship, and am finally doing well in school as well.

What changed in me?

Riddle of the day:

He is all over the place, yet around you and within you, at ALL times.

Any guesses?

God is the reason I have taken off, up and down the roller coaster of life.  And even at such a young age, I am still able to recognize the gift I have been given.  My faith is something that I attempt, with everyday, not to take for granted.  I have come this far, and will continue to move forward in strengthening my faith and relationship with God. 

While I was working out today, it hit me.  Christians make up 2-3 billion of the worlds population.  That makes 1/3 of the population Christian.  Also, it is still recognized as the fastest growing religion worldwide.  

With all the Christians in the world, why do we continue to have world problems?  Because a Christian is defined as living life like Christ, correct?  Therefore, we should obey the commandments and love our neighbors, right?

Something struck a chord in me today.  Here's the way I see it:

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we turn off the TV?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we turn off the pornography?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we mute the profanity?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we stop the drunkenness?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we stop the fighting?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we love each other?

If He gave up His life for us, then why can't we give more than an hour on "most" Sundays?

Jesus gave His whole life up for us.

It is time to step outside of the pews, and into the streets.  It is time to allow God to mold us, and shape us into who HE wants us to be, not who we aspire to be.  It is time to do God's work.  It's simple, all we have to do is listen.

Fun Fact (concept borrowed from a loved one): A human being is supposed to get 8 hours of sleep each night.  That equals 2,920 hours of sleep each year.  Going to church every Sunday, for one hour, equals 52 hours of church each year.  If being a Christian means to live our lives like Jesus Christ, then we need to give more.

Jesus lived to be [an estimated] 33 years of age.

Give more than half of your life.

Luke 9:23-26

Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.  What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?  Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and the holy angels."

All of You, and well, none of me

I

"How did that happen?"  "Man, you're lucky!!"  "What a coincidence?!"

Ten years ago from today, I was sitting in my math class in middle school.  It was our third period class.  I remember hearing some chatter, from the lucky ones with cell phones at such a young age.  "We are under attack!!!"  I blew it off...until I received more information of what was actually happening.

Ten years ago from today, my father sat in an office in New York City, on a business trip.  He received an email that the breakfast meeting in the cafe, in one of the towers in the World Trade Center, was cancelled for that morning.

Why!?

Within the hour, a plane struck the first tower.  We all know the rest of the story from there.  Lives lost, trauma to millions of people around the world.  

To be realistic, imagine with me, for a second.  Let's say the meeting isn't cancelled.  Instead, let's just say that the meeting is called, and they proceed as planned.  Imagine a life without a father.  The one you love. The one you have grown up with your ENTIRE life.  What then?  Why was it my father, when hundreds, if not thousands, of fathers died that day?  See, I have a split family; and have had it this way for the last 18 years.  So I would have had a fatherly figure in my life regardless.  So why take away the father of the newborn, and leave mine for me? 

My life would not have been the same.  For weeks and months after September 11, 2001, I spoke about this story as if I should be praised or treated differently.  All because my father dodged death that morning.  Why is it that I sit here, ten years later, shaken still by September 11th.  Not because of the actually events that took place that day, but for the fact that my future life plans were being taken care of.  It took me ten years to realize it.

Who!?

Since that date in 2001, a lot has changed in my life.  Beyond the obvious physical changes, a lot has gone on mentally and spiritually.  In 2006, I came face-to-face with God.  Following my grandfather's death, I acknowledged God.  It was the first time in my life that I had ever questioned God.  I didn't understand, and I longed for some sort of peace of mind and heart, for what had been taken from me.  It just didn't seem right.  From then on, life began to take its shape for me.  I started to see God in nearly my every day actions.  And five years later, on this date, I am thankful for my father.  Better yet, my Father.  He has come through for me, on countless occasions in my life.  I couldn't ever do it without him...Him.

In one moment, life could change drastically...God's plan>my plans

II

I have been lost in wonder, lately.  I found myself in deep thought about the actions that I take, and how they reflect on who I am.  Then I began to wonder; where do I get it from?  Where do I get the idea to pursue something like I do?  Is it innate?  What does innate even mean?

innate (adj.): 1. Inborn; natural

I am a FIRM believer that God created us all.  And in doing so, He made it possible for all of us to do the things we do, and the things we will do in the future.  So, our actions deemed innate; natural, inborn...come from the maker of all things?  Is that, then, why our actions not only reflect ourselves, but [as told to us in the Bible] reflect God as well?  So, if our actions are innate, then it is something that God put on our heart?

innate (adj.): 2. Originating in the mind

Maybe it is simply that 'innate' is the wrong word.  Maybe 'innate' is something that our mind, innately created.  What am I getting at?  I am saying that I feel like people are viewing life with blinders.  I feel like we are only merely skimming the surface.

And that is bad because...?

If I am able to get deep within myself, aside from all the other stuff going on in my life (work, school, etc.), what is my life like?  God is at the center of my life.  He created me, in doing so, making it possible for all things to be done.  And yes, many people recognize that fact.  But how many of us actually reflect that in our lives?

I am guilty of it, daily.  If I had a sheet, that listed the +/- of all the actions I made, I would be so close to the all negative sign, it scares me.  I have bad thoughts, bad things said; not reflecting God.  Just to add clarification, I am not striving to be God.  I am merely attempting to do my best to show how amazing God truly is.  So, as I do to myself daily, I ask you...what is your life reflecting?  When you are able to get deep within yourself, how are you reflecting God in your lives today?

III

God gives us all gifts.  It is as simple as it sounds.  But allow me to elaborate.

The gifts we receive are not material things.  How often do we step out of our front door, to a pile of money?  And let me guess, you looked up and saw a brand spanking new (fill in the blank with a super nice dream car) sitting in your driveway?  And when you went over to the car, you noticed that there was the hottest person sitting in the passenger seat telling you to take them anywhere, and that they were at your whim?

As great as that whole thing sounds, to the majority of people who have ever allowed their mind to drift into a fantasy world (where there are hearts, stars, horse shoes, clovers, and blue moons), life is not like that.  

But this is what life is like:

You wake up daily.  Go through the mundane routine of school, work, family, friends, clubs, sports, and other entertainment.  Go to sleep.  Then do it all over again.  Why is our world so fast paced?  We literally live in a high speed time machine that is traveling down the road at a million miles an hour, to a land far, far away, in a vast space of nothing.  Why don't we ever take the second to see what we have?  Take that minute to breathe, and acknowledge what our life is, and has become.  

Upon doing this, I see something amazing.  All of the things that I find myself, or have found myself complaining about at some point in life, are not worth all that time.  Instead, I have found, that the act of complaining only makes things worse.  Due to this recent discovery of the obvious, I have made it one of my personal goals to stop worrying, stop complaining, and just live life.  And in doing so, I hope to use what I have to make the best out of life.

God gives us all gifts.  It's just a matter of how we use them.

"That may not be the talent you have, but you are very talented at other things."

-Dr. D. Brouwer

IV

I am blessed.  Allow me to explain.  I could quote the Bible.  I could give some theories that some theologians have.  Instead, how about this?  ...I have something incredible.

I have never had a good history.  Yeah sure, I have been able to be involved, but it hasn't been anything that I could declare as deep.  Relationships for me, on the surface, have been a breeze.  Seeming to come easily for me to seek out one person.  In reality, it has been a struggle.  Although the signs may not all be there, I have not been satisfied in relationships for my entire life.  Every time it was ever brought up, everything was 'good', 'alright', 'copacetic'.  Nobody has been able to rouse the word 'excellent' or 'perfect' out of me.  

About a year ago from now, I met someone at church.  I butted in on conversations to make myself seem funny.  At the time that seemed right, but looking back, man, I must have looked like a loser.  Eventually, I got a name out of her, as she did from me.  We casually chatted, and I tried to gradually move into a flirty nature with her (with the greatest attempt at witty banter that I could possible conjure).  Then, one day, it was all gone.  We barely texted, rarely chatted in person, and most certainly thought it was all over.  

Something was different.  It was seemingly more difficult to pursue her; making it difficult for me to believe that I was even attractive in her eyes.

Just about seven and a half months ago, she and I began to converse again.  It was kind of random, but natural and fitting.  We started to hang out, one on one, and began to show our attraction towards each other.  Soon enough, we were officially dating, title and all.

A little over six months later, and I have to say that this has been the most interesting, and pleasing six months I have ever had in my life.  No, we are not perfect, and sure as heck have had some stupid runs about horribly redundant topics.  But there is one thing that keeps coming back to me.  Nothing in my life has ever been like this.  And it is exciting.  I have never gone to so many places that I have never heard of.  I have never done all the things that I have done, if it wasn't for her.  From the places we have visited, to the talks we have had [about the most random things, at times], I can say that I wouldn't want it any other way.

Love, I thought, was a farce.

Marriage, I thought, was pointless.

Children, I thought, were a waste of time and money.

Now it is clear to me that all three of these things are already a part of my life, or will be a part of my life soon.  Patience leads to kindness; kindness leads to compassion; compassion leads to love.  And love is what I have for her.  A love that God has put on my heart.  An unfailing, never wavering, love.

It was all His idea.  My pursuit, that seemed pointless a year ago, has blossomed into something beautiful.  The greatest part about it is this: I know He has more in store for us.

His plan>my plans

Tell Me Again

I suppose this may serve as a continuation of thought, carried over from my last blog...

I got it!! I finally found a question that was fitting for me to ask, that had no answer.  There is literally no answer for my question.  Cannot be found in any text, any databases, or any historic archives.  Go ahead, try to give me the best possible answer you got....

What if I am too patient?

In dealing with people and situations, what if I am too patient?  What if I give so much of myself and receive none in return?  Is that even wrong?  Should I just do what I have to do, be patient and right for myself, and not worry about what someone else is going to do?

Is there ever a limit to the amount of patience one should have?

I know that it is written in the bible, to have patience and to be patient.  I am also well aware that it is morally right to be a patient person.  Not only that, but it makes life, and relationships with people, a heck of a lot easier.  But is there ever a limit?  Is there a point that could be reached, where it is acceptable to have a lacking in total patience?  Okay, allow me to attempt to dissect my thoughts, and put them into logical layman's terms.  So, according to the bible, I see that there is no limit to patience, nor should it really be questioned.  Simple as it says, just be patient.  Morally acceptable limit...I am unsure if there is one.  I mean, patience IS noted as a virtue.  So what am I supposed to do when I have reached my boiling point?  Am I just supposed to challenge myself, push on, and fight with all possible patience?  Is it something that I will forever be able to do, because I trust in God.  I know that I have had plenty of help from God.  My entire life I have dealt with things that were obviously impossible to tackle, without the help from God.  So is it that simple?

Here is where this thought stems from:

Another thing I have pondered about recently is why I moved home from Tallahassee, and transferred schools in the first place.  I know that I may have made a smart decision scholastically and morally, but what about for myself otherwise?  Well, I came back to do better in school and get the degree I wanted (only a final year left...success).  Everything seems to be working out.  I got a job right away [and have two now].  I began an incredible relationship with someone that I can confidently see myself spending some time with [ ;) ].  Things are great!  But then the living situation...

I moved back home.  In with the family, that loves me oh so much.  (I say that in jest, but I know they actually have love for me.  Just lacking in their expression at times.)  It started off fine.  I was working daily, and they were paying me no mind.  Then it must have set in.  They realized that I will be living with them permanently.  I soon got sick of it.  After my first year back at home, I came to find out that there is a bit of a standard favoritism in the house.  As well as a little power control aspect of the flow of the household.  I slowly migrated to hours spent inside the confines of my own room, daily.  This routine eventually grew on me.  I was perplexed as to how this was going to work.  So it was decided that I was going to make an attempt to move out.  Nearly six months later, and I'm still here at home.

I just don't know what it is.  I can't really see why.  I know I was led to come home for a reason.  I felt it in my heart.  And it weighed heavy, as I mustered up some strength to finish up my last semester at FSU.  So here I am, sitting here, wondering why I came home.  I can see the positives (obviously stated, in the previous paragraph).  But why does this negative of living in the house bring me down so much?  The other issues of school, work, and my personal life were easily taken care of.  I constantly ask myself, why do I have to go through this?  What am I learning by this?  God, what are you teaching me here?

Maybe it's just patience.



As an aside, a recent thought that has been resonating in my mind:

I am extremely envious of my brother's relationship.  Every time I hear them talk.  Every time I see them interact.  Sometimes I just wish that it was that easy in my relationship.  It's okay...I'm patient.

I am lost.

I don't know all of the technical psychological terms, but I will do my best in completely describing my present thoughts.  I feel like I am slowly changing as a person.  I know, and am well aware, that everyone changes as they go through life.  But I feel like I am noticing it in myself.  And frankly, it is scaring me a little bit.

To start, I used to be someone who had no problem being open with certain things in my life.  General information, if you will (minus all of the personal things).  I suppose it made me quite personable and welcoming, as a friend.  Well, recently I have noticed that I am changing in that aspect.  I am more likely to internalize a feeling that I have, rather than go on and tell anyone about it.  I feel like it is benefitting me in avoiding bad/negative situations.  I think maybe that is the one thing that I idolize my father for.  He has such a natural ability to keep things to himself, like some sort of FBI agent.  I think that he may use that ability too much, forcing some strained relationships.  I feel like over time, it can cause me to become too distant with certain people.  But I wish I could avoid certain situations, easily, without hesitation.  I have been told that there is an easy way to avoid falling for the usual maze that my mind creates, in its own thoughts, and it seems quite simple; control my thoughts.  Yeah, well I know how to control my thoughts.  I know how to think to avoid complications, but there are still times where I fall into a rut of thought.  I am sure it is clear to see, by some sort of facial expression or tone of voice.  But I want to eliminate that in between; the obvious.  I want to be able to go through my day, and withhold information and hold back from letting people around me know that "something's up."  But maybe this is just a phase.

Also, I am a tad bit scared about my future.  Which comes off to me as strange.  I know I can be quoted, as of late, telling all about how great my life is going to be and how I am so confident in that.  Recently, however, I have noticed a change in the pattern.  In my usual thought, I discovered that I am in terrible fear.  I hear how my father talks...my friends talk...my professors, etc.   And I can't help but imagine my life falling into shambles, and having some sort of mid life crisis at 30 years of age.  I mean, it's only 9 years off.  And the more times I hear about what I'm going to be doing in 10 years (the typical conversation starter in an "upscale" social gathering of young adults), the more concerned I get.  I have no freaking clue!!!  I am just focused on finishing school, which is in a little under exactly one year from this date.  Okay okay, but what comes next??  The usual "real world" comment by the attackers and onlookers, as I notify them of my graduation.  What is next, honestly?  Some sort of job?  Is it a career specific job?  How will I even get that job?  What if I don't get a job?  Aside from that, what else may come?  I am not worrying necessarily, but I am just in wonder.  I know it too shall fall into place, but I sometimes wish I knew how it will.

maybe it's easier to confide

within the power of the mind

keeping information inside

while tracking thoughts like dollar signs

warning labels shout

levels of confusion without a doubt

but why would i wanna put out

when I used to let too much out my mouth

What Am I Doing!?

Take out a mental sheet of paper, and a mental pen or pencil (to whichever you prefer).  Jot down some things that you like to do in your free time.  That free of class and work.  Then start a new list under it.  Title it, Really Now, What Do I Honestly Like To Do In My Free Time.  In other words, free from what you feel others may think, friends, family, GOD.  Make the mental note.  Now cross off the things that you know people, universally, would accept.  What do you have left?

I'm guilty of it as well.  Hiding things from plain sight, so that no one will see our struggles.  We call these things our vices.  Now that we have identified them, which I'm sure we all have before, what do we do with them.  In the past, I have made this mental list, AND checked it twice (a little Santa-esq).  Then decided, subconsciously, that it wasn't important enough for me to give it up.  So, what drives us to give up our vices and turn ourselves over?  When we evaluate this, it becomes evident that we aren't doing ourselves much good at all, in an attempt to rid the vices from our lives.  (Hence why we keep falling back to them)  But when we open up to someone about our vices, generally, the person is very understanding, and takes time to help us out.  We may be able to rid some of our vices, but some still remain, and there is a great chance that the vices that have been sent packing, may just come back for another visit.

What am I getting at here?

I am attempting to figure out solving my own issues with Mr. & Mrs. Vice, along with their kids, Joe Vice, Jane Vice, and Mike Vice Jr.  The worst of it all, is that once the kids move out, they always seem to come back to pay a visit, or try to stay for elongated periods of time.  When I am in re-evaluation mode, these vices seem easy to conquer, and I generally tend to put them out of heart and mind for a while.  Some stay away permanently, and some tend to wander around, only to come back to me.  Yes, I have gone to friends and family for these issues.  Usually a vent session, or a deep discussion.  But am I REALLY listening!?  I pay attention, hear the words, comprehend it, but something doesn't stick.  See, a seed can be planted, but it will never grow into a plant unless it is given necessary attention.  Okay, so we need to pay more attention.

How are we supposed to pay attention?  What are the methods of this, "pay attention"?

There are a few ways I have learned this (and still learning it), but I have found that the overwhelming push to reach for God, is the ultimate way of paying attention.  In other words, pay attention to God.  And yes, do this before you go run and give advice on how to conquer a vice which you haven't gotten past.  And most of all, do NOT deem yourself vice-less...ever!  These things are hypocritical.  We are told, "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:5.

A vice is defined as an immoral or evil habit or practice.  In other words, a vice could also be defined as a sin, correct?

We already know that sin is not something that we should be doing, by any means.  "We are all infected and impure with sin.  When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags.  Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind." -Isaiah 64:6.  Man, that sounds harsh!!  Praise be to God that He sent His son, Jesus Christ to cleanse us of our sins, "If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." -Romans 10:9.

So if it is so wicked and evil, God obviously sent his son for us, so we are free from all of our vices anyway, right?

The thing is, you have to "believe it in your heart".  And upon doing that, it becomes easier.  Have I conquered all of my vices?   Again, no I have not.  But am I saying here, right now, that I am going to declare myself rid of the vice that clouds my mind daily, and tempt me more than anything, on an hourly basis?  Yes, a resounding yes!

How am I so confident?

Because I have remembered someone that is very close to me.  With the wise words that have been spoken in the past, have been translated into the present.  I have to stop now.  I have battled with the vice for years, and it is time to hang up the bad habit, for good.  I have finally listened, and understood.  Words I have heard were spoken to help me.  How or why did I encounter such a helpful person?  One who can't even relate to me, in this aspect.  One who does not share this vice with me.  But that is just it.  It is a simple equation.  God has given me the opportunity, and all I have to do is believe.  "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13.

The Four People I'll Meet in Heaven

I can't see through the smoke, but I know someone is in here!!  I search around with my hands, staying low to the ground.  "Help!"  I can hear her now.  I feel my way through, into the adjacent room.  I can make out a figure in the corner, hunched over, protecting her face.  I swiftly move towards her and pick her up.  I make my way out of the room.  The side door is off to the right of the house.  I move through the family room, and turn the knob.  But I have lost my breath.

I am in a house.  It's foreign to me.  There are old pictures on the wall, family pictures, in different places.  "Matt!" I turn to my right, and see someone sitting at a desk.  She looks familiar, but I can't make out who it is.  I walk over to her.  "Why are you making that face at me!?  Don't you remember me?"  I shake my head, and turn my attention back to the open living room, analyzing it, trying to get some sort of clue as to who's house I'm in.  "Come with me, I have to show you something."  I follow her through a doorway, off to the side of the room.  As I enter, it is as though we have walked right into a different house.  She leads me over to a desk, a different one this time.  I look as she points to it, on the computer screen.  Facebook.com.  My old profile picture, my old information...my old page.  I look at her for an answer, but she remains silent.  Instead, she leads me across the room, into a bedroom.  There, lays a girl on the bed, sobbing.  This girl looks familiar to me now.  "That was me, back in 2010."  I turned to my right, and notice that my guide has changed.  She looks different than she did when I entered into the house from the beginning.  I recognize her now.  I put my hands over my face, and try to hide the tears that have welled up in my eyes.  She puts her hand on my shoulder, "it's okay, Matt, that was a long time ago.  Come, I have to show you something."  We walk back, out of the door, through the house.  We reach the front door.  She opens it.  I follow her out, but there is no grass, no trees.  We are inside of a building.  It looks eerily familiar to me.  I am led up a flight of stairs and brought down a corridor.  At the end, there is an open door.  We take a step inside of the room, into what looks like a meeting.  I can now recognize a young version of myself, in the front of the classroom, talking about upcoming events.  I survey the room.  A Best Buddies meeting.  It concludes soon after we stepped into the room.  The supervisor calls the meeting to an end, and asks the young leader of the meeting to go see her.  He walks over to the instructor.  "Matt, I'd like you to meet Ashley.  She's a buddy.  She is fun, friendly, and just wants someone to talk to."  They shake hands and begin to talk.  I turn to my right, and I am standing alone in the room, watching as the scene plays out.  I know where this is going, and I want to get out of here.  I turn and make my way down the corridor, hoping to find out where my guide was.  I think, 'what kind of sick joke is this!?'  Right then, as I step out into the main hallway of the school, she appears.  "Matt, it's me, Ashley.  I wanted to show you what happened to me.  So, I took you back to my old bedroom, as well as back to our high school, where we met.  You know how hard it was to grow up and be different from everybody else!?  You know that I couldn't help it right!?  It wasn't my fault.  All I wanted was a friend.  I called you numerous times.  We spoke a few times, but then you stopped picking up the phone.  Then I went on the computer one day, and saw that you had deleted me off of your friends list.  Those things made me sad.  I remember crying for weeks on end, uncontrollably."  My throat locked, I try to speak, "I--uh...didn't mean to...I'm so sorry!"  I look down and close my eyes, in utter embarrassment and guilt.  I look up, she's gone.  Silence.

"He is risen!  He is risen, indeed!"  I stand in the back of the sanctuary, watching as Dr. Berry recites the famous lines.  It's Easter Sunday, and what appears to be a bright and sunny day.  It has been so long since Dr. Berry was the pastor at our church.  Why is he preaching now?  Had the church rehired him since I have been here last?  Impossible.  "Matthew", a voice calls out to me.  I look in the pew directly in front of me.  A man, maybe in his early thirties.  He looks familiar, like someone that I may have seen in pictures before.  I know I have never met him!  I stretch out my hand to introduce myself.  I blink, and he is standing up, in front of me. "Get that hand outta here!! You act like you don't know me!" My mind draws a blank...who the heck is this guy!?  Before I can argue, I am in his grasp.  He gives me a big hug.  He takes a step back.  "I knew you wouldn't recognize me!"  By now, he is yelling.  His voice sounds like he belongs in Little Italy in New York.  I still can't place it.  Strange enough to my eyes, I see that no one in the congregation has turned around, as if they don't hear his booming voice.  As my attention comes back to focus on the man, he has disappeared.  Not this again, I think to myself.  "I'm over here!"  I look off to my left, in the mid-left section of the sanctuary seating.  He is standing in the middle of the pews, nearly on top of the members of the congregation.  I find myself walking over to him.  Do I really have a choice now!?  As I approach him, I feel like I have entered some sort of sick, twisted dream.  He is standing directly in front of my family, but everyone looks younger.  I glance down.  My mother pulls her hair out of her face as she recites the Doxology, I catch the date on the bulletin.  April 16, 2006.  Why am I here right now?  I don't get this.  I look up and the man is standing by the door, which leads out of the church.  He motions for me to go towards him.  We walk through the door, and we are in the dining room in my old house.  How many years has it been since I have eaten here?  West Tropical Way?  Is it still 2006?  My dad turns to my mother, "I can't believe what has been going on in the Middle East!  It doesn't look too promising to me.  How many more years do we have to stay over there before we retreat?"  I survey the room.  Dad sits at the head, directly across from my grandpa.  He looks sickly and frail.  My memory is back.  He died that year.  Just two weeks after Easter dinner.  It was his 'last supper', if you will.  It looks as though dinner has been long over.  Only one chair remains vacant.  I quickly realize that I am the one who is missing from the table.  I can hear some music coming from down the hall.  My old room.  Why did I leave the table so soon?  Before I can comprehend that I had said that aloud, "You were only 16...you had a lot going on.  You made family the last on your list of priorities."  I hang my head, listening in on the back and forth conversation at the table.  My grandpa's voice is so clear and distinct.  It immediately jogs my memory.  Pieces in images of our times together flash in my mind.  Palm Coast, St. Augustine, South Florida.  He sounds like he belongs in Little Italy or something.  I look up, in an attempt to make the connection.  The man is gone again.  I walk down to the hall.  I open the door to my old room.  I am in a hospital room.  Did they change my room?  I look around and see my family gathered around the hospital bed.  Again, I am not in the room.  I make my way over to the bed.  I stare into my sick grandpa's face.  There are wires going every which way, around him and in him.  Dad is holding his hand.  "Hey Dad, Matthew couldn't make it.  He's on a school trip.  But he sends his love."  My grandpa's face turns into a grimace.  I can't bare to look at him like this any longer.  I turn to walk away.  I am met face-to-face with my grandpa.  He's standing right in front of me.  "Hey, it's me, your grandpa.  I knew you wouldn't recognize me before.  You didn't know me when I was that young."  I remain silent.  My mind is a jumble.  "I took you back to the last time you saw me, on Easter.  And I know you were on your school trip when I was admitted into the hospital.  Plus, I never wanted you to see me like this.  I hope you learned something valuable out of all this.  Family is the most important thing.  You put all of your things in life before your family, and the memories that we have together are a blur to you now.  I see you still have my dog tag..."  I look down, and his dog tag is resting on my chest.  "I love you Matthew...I always have."  I turn my head to his voice, but he has left me again.

Water is dripping from my face, as I swing my arms around the room, in search of a towel.  Darn it, I knew I should have just hung it back up on the rack.  I open my eyes.  The dripping water doesn't make my vision any better. Shoot, I need to put my contacts in!  I open the bathroom drawer and fish around for my contacts case.  I quickly open the top and place the contact in the middle of my right index finger.  I move it into my right eye, then follow with the same procedure for my left eye.  I blink.  I see a towel on the rack next to me.  Man, I would never make it as a mole.  I'm blind as a bat these days.  I dry my face off, and look into the mirror.  Wait a second!  That can't be right.  I wipe the mirror with the towel.  This doesn't make any sense.  Why are there burns on my face?  I walk into my bedroom from the bathroom.  I notice clothes laid out on the bed for me.  I don't remember doing that.  As I approach the bed, I realize that the clothes are charred.  That is, what's left of them.  I open my closet.  Nothing.  I leave my room, and make my way out into the hallway.  I am in my old house in Miami.  I run downstairs.  I look into the family room.  There is a trail of blood that is leading to the front door.  I open the front door.  I am in a stadium.  It looks like the Orange Bowl.  It's a night game.  A balloon is being hit around the crowd.  I hear murmuring.  As the balloon gets closer, I notice that it is actually a blown up condom.  I blink.  It's hot outside, and extremely bright out now.  Did they play through the night!?  I hear screaming and pointing.  I follow everyone's finger to a woman in the front row.  She seems very drunk.  The crowd roars, as she lifts up her shirt.  I am in my grandparents house in Palm Coast.  I am in the bathroom.  I ran out of toilet paper!  I look under the sink.  Two magazines catch my attention.  I figure it'll provide as reading material, and pick them up.  I flip through them as I sit there.  I decide that I am going to take the magazines home after this trip.  I am in the cottage on the computer.  Dad comes into the office and tells me that he has to talk with me.  "Matthew, we see that you have been getting around our parental controls.  Can you explain the websites you have been visiting?"  I close my eyes and shake my head.  I open my eyes, and I am alone.  The room is dark.  I do not know where I am.  I hear a voice.  It sounds like my own voice.  The voice that never sounds right when you view the video of you being filmed, candidly.  "Why did you do the things you did?  No, no response to that!?  How can you ever expect to be looked upon with respect?  Honor?  You have disgraced yourself and your family.  What if no one was ever forgiving!?  Yes!  It was your fault.  You took it upon yourself to pick up a nasty addiction.  It led to your demise!  I don't care if you think I'm overreacting, because you know that you were wrong.  I was never happy with how you handled things!  I remember listening to your stupid sob stories about how you couldn't control yourself!!  You even went as far as searching for help.  No one is going to help you, Matthew.  No one."  I put my hands over my face.  I let out a scream.  God save me from my self.

"Matthew, my brother, open your eyes."  I open my eyes.  There is a very bright light coming into my room.  Wait!  I have seen this person before.  "Don't fret!  Yes, I know, you have seen me before."  Is this person a mind reader!?  "Get up."  I stand up.  In my room now.  All of my things are scattered around.  I search for something to bring with me.  I see my cell phone on the desk.  I reach for it.  "Leave everything."  Where the heck are we going!?  "Come, follow me."  I leave the room, quick on the heels of the person in front of me.  I would only be able to identify this person as a male, based on some distinct features.  He has a soft, yet deep voice.  His hair is long.  Course, but smooth.  He wears what looks like a tunic, or a robe.  Very ratty, by our standards, but very elegant in its own way.  He walks confidently, but his demeanor is gentle.  He leads me to an open field.  The grassy plain is shadowed over by trees.  "Do you know where we are?"  I shake my head.  "Here, let me show you."  He walks down a pathway.  We make our way to, what looks like, a lake.  The water is calm, still, quiet.  He turns to me, "don't fall behind.  I need to show you something."  He leads me away from the water, back onto the path.  We make our way into the trees.  It is hard to see any light, this far into the forrest.  The trees wrap around the path, sucking every bit of life that ever inhabited these parts before.  I am lost in my surroundings, and I seem to fall quite a ways behind him.  "Come close to me, I will lead you out of this darkness.  Do not be scared.  They're not as evil as they look."  I nod my head and come back on his heels.  Up ahead.  There is a break in the trees.  He places his staff on the branch of the tree, and it makes way for us.  We enter an open area.  The ground is still, yet so alive.  The plants sway in the wind, yet still stand erect.  There is a waterfall.  No, there are two.  And I can see more in the distance.  Where do they flow into?  I am perplexed, to say the least.  I see animals frolicking, with no fear of being someone else's prey.  I see people walking around.  They move slowly, yet still confident in each step.  There is a soft hum in the air.  The smell, is like nothing I have ever experienced before.  It is refreshing and strong at the same time.  The sky!  Yes, how could I not notice.  It is very bright, but it isn't hot.  This doesn't look real.  I turn to see my leader, bent down in a stream.  He is running water over his hands.  "Come, I want to show you something."  I walk over to him.  I crouch down, so I can see.  "Look."  He raises his hands out of the water.  "This was done to me, so you could be free.  Early on, your life was filled with confusion.  You got caught up in a lot of things that you feel that you shouldn't have. But when you caught yourself, you asked for God's help.  Why is that?"  Silenced, I shrugged my shoulders.  "Because God's grace was given to you, as a gift, through me.  And in times of struggle, you turned to God.  That is why you are here."  Still trying to process all that was being said, I was able to mutter out a few words, 'where am I?'  He put his scarred hand on my shoulder.  "You are in God's expansive kingdom.  Welcome."

That morning was hard for the Friedman family.  All of his family and friends were there, clad in black.  Tears were shed, and memories were shared.  As people left the service, there was an overwhelming whispering about Matthew's fearless efforts.  "He wasn't a fireman."  "He wasn't even supposed to be there."  A little girl, maybe five years old, walked up to Mrs. Friedman, "Thank you."  "For what, darling?"  "Mr. Friedman saved my life."