Monday, April 11, 2011

The Somber Light

As I am walking down the hall yesterday afternoon, I get a call from my bedroom...

Lia (my little sister) has been on my computer for about the last hour and as she changed her position she unplugged it from the A/C Adapter.  Upon doing that, the computer shut off.  After rebooting it, she is unable to type in my password.

"Matt, your computer unplugged and shut down!!!!  Can you type in your password for me?!"  I, meanwhile babying eggs cooking in my kitchen, yell back in response to her, "not right now."  She did her usual teenager rant to my mother about the situation, inducing my mother to march down the hall to let me know how she feels about the situation.  When she entered through the kitchen doorway, she had asked me why I wouldn't type in my password and told me that it was not right for me to ignore my sister's request.  I told my mother that she had been on my computer for an hour already, and that I would have gladly retyped in my password after I was done putting the cooked eggs on a plate.  Then she let me know what she really had to say,
"You know, you call yourself a Christian, yet you are so selfish!"
Whatever she said after that, I didn't let sink in.  That hit me like a ton of bricks!  I value my beliefs more than anything in life, and in doing so, I try to live by them 24/7 (which I would say I do, for the 99.9% of the time).  After she left the kitchen, my step dad lit into me about being selfish and how it could have taken literally two minutes to type in my password for my sister.  I objected and explained it from my perspective, adding the bit of being offended by my mother's choice word usage, to no avail.

Conversation ended, I ate my eggs, showered, and left the house to go out to a friend's get together.

I concluded that it was time to move out of my house.  I have been battling the feeling of leaving home, since I transferred schools and moved back home to better myself.  I found it difficult from the beginning to readjust to home life, but I figured/assumed that they would adjust to 21 year old me (instead of the 18 yr old one, when I left for school), as I have been trying to adjust back to them.  Now it became concrete in my thought and understanding; home was no longer a place for me to be able to comfortably live in.  

I had peripherally discussed the situation with my girlfriend (Erika), that night, and was comforted by it.  So I went into today with a positive mindset.

I did my usual Sunday routine, which includes going to the 8:30 church service, stay to teach Sunday School, then go home to change, then off to see my grandparents, only to return to church in the evening for Youth Group (If you haven't noticed, I have become an avid church goer and church volunteer.  I must note that I am very thankful for the opportunity that I have been given). 

After the Youth Group and evening events, I had the honor of taking Erika home (which I know she always feels bad for, but I enjoy it more than most would think...including her!).  When we arrived in her driveway, we did our routine 300 conversations before we say goodbye hours later.  After discussing about 298 of those conversations (ignore the foolish numbers, for this is a stale joke that I am implying), she grabbed my bible from my dashboard and started to flip through the pages.  I assumed that she was just flirtatiously playing around with me, when she told me to close my eyes, not really thinking that she was looking for a specific bible verse.  I heard the bible close, and then opened my eyes.  She gave me the cutest little smile and placed the bible back onto my dashboard, and told me that I would have to wait until later because it's a surprise (again, I was thinking that this is a flirty tactic that she was trying to get me to fall into).  Much to my surprise, it was not just a game she was playing, but she actually found a bible verse that she was looking for.

The minute I head into my house, before a breath of fresh home air, I was questioned as to why I had been acting 'differently' (allow me to define differently: Acting not myself, in a reaction to something else that occurred.  Ex. Not intentionally making conversation after last night's incident).  I responded by shrugging it off and said that it's nothing.  Then my mother starting to tell me how wrong I am for acting different just because I was called out on being wrong last night.  Following that, my step dad decided to let me know how he felt.  After some banter, yelling, screaming, avoidance, and my polite request to do this another time because I felt that it was not the right time, I forcibly sat down and listened to my step dad basically talk himself into circles with the issue of me 'being selfish and unable to recognize accomplishing simple tasks in the house,' and how it's wrong because 'they provide for me and I should be able to return a favor at their request.'  After that, I fled the house in fear that I would be unable to bite my tongue any further.  When I drove off, I called Erika and explained to her what had happened moments earlier.  She understood, and heard me out on what I had to say about it.  

Side note: as great as it seems from the surface, I really don't like to be ranting to someone, especially someone I truly care about.  But Erika is really the greatest person to go to, because she is so great at listening, and quietly comforting me.

I spoke to my father about moving out of the house, following the conversation I had with Erika, and he was on board to help me no matter what.  I then called Erika back to re-fill her in.  She was even more responsive this time around, after she had let the situation soak in.  She comforted me, told me not to worry, be angry, or frustrated.  I have no idea why, but just hearing her say that comforted me beyond explanation. 

I cooled off, went inside, ate some food, and decided it was time to take a shower. I get out of the shower and see that my phone had a text message on it from Erika.  It read: John 11:35.

It must be noted that John 11:35 was the strong point of the sermon in this morning's worship service.  And it was the verse that stuck with me as I listened, as well as throughout the entire day.

I open my bible to John 11:35, with the thought that it was some inspirational verse to keep my cool, or something along those lines (I had forgotten which the exact number the verse was from this morning, but it looked oddly familiar via text).  I look at the verse in my bible and it was squared off; the works of Erika.  John 11:35 reads: Jesus wept.  (You see, this was after the death of Lazarus, and Jesus was distraught at the thought and sight of his death because it seemed to be common knowledge that Jesus could have helped him to survive, but had not been around to do so.  And by noting that he wept, it is a sign that he was able to feel emotion and grieve about the same things that we do).  

During the sermon, I had thought back to the last time I cried, and began to think that I couldn't allow myself to cry, and that I resorted to frustration, worry, or anger instead.  I wondered when, if so, I would ever cry again.

Tonight, I wept.

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