killed the cat!
Isn't that what they say!? Is that my fair warning before I do something that may not deliver the result I was looking for? Or is it some sort of child's play; a nursery rhyme to wipe away all the worry of the world? Or is the world we live in so curious, that we are led to curiosity? Because curiosity is defined as the desire to learn or know about anything; inquisitiveness, if you will. Then, only for making a point, inquisitive is defined as given to inquiry, research, or asking questions; eager for knowledge; intellectually curious.
...intellectually curious. Yeah that's it!
See, I was walking my dog tonight and I realized something. I look up at the night sky when I'm overcome with a feeling of curiosity. Or is it that I get curious about things upon looking up at the night sky? Maybe it's the wonder of all that lies above me that leads to my curiosity; the curiosity that comes from a trusting in God, who knows all that has/will be my life. Although I trust, why do I still become curious about things? I learned recently that having faith and trust in God leads to the questioning, due to our curiosity about things in our life. I could just rack off about a million things in my life that I am curious about, but that would be pointless nonsensical material for this blog.
When I looked up tonight, I thought of three different things, and became curious about how they are in relation to my life.
Somehow, now thinking about it, they all correlate with each other!
1. Family. It is my biggest repressed memory, and my greatest outlook into the future. I never repressed the memory of my family as a whole, because that would be extremely foolish of me. It is the memories of how I have negatively affected my family. My family, as most families are, is very dysfunctional! The person-to-person issues range from the youngest to the oldest in my family. Thinking about this tonight, I came to the conclusion that I want to end this trend. I want everyone in my family to know I respect and love them, as I should. And I also want them to understand that. Which led to my curiosity. What will become of my family? Better yet, the relationships that I have with my family members. I want there to be close ties with my immediate family, and it to branch off from there, as expected. I want to be there for my family, as they are trying to be there for me. As we are all changing as individuals, that becomes harder for everyone, but I am striving to achieve that goal. Even so, I'm curious as to how it is going to be in the future.
2. Erika. Now writing this, I wish I could have saved this until the end in order to correctly collect my thoughts on the subject. But, as I sit here, I do have all night to write this. And I have definitely put a lot of thought into this one. There's something I believe in called happening for a reason. I suppose I will touch on this when I discuss my next area of thought from this evening, but I have had the feeling from the very beginning of our relationship that there was a reason that we started dating. Her values, morals, personality, and, last but not least, her looks have blown me away from the first time we spoke, continuing to now. This isn't going to be a sappy story about how I feel about her; more like my thought of curiosity with respect to her. I thought about this for a long time on my walk this evening. I am curious. I am curious about her. I am curious about me. I am curious about us. This is by no means meant to be a negative moment of curiosity. Rather, this was a time in which I became excited! I became curious of how she would do in school at UF. I became curious about that popular question, 'where will you be in ten years?' And thought about her in relation to that question. I also thought about me in relation to that question, becoming even more curious about us, in relation to that question. Again, this is the farthest thing from a negative thought!! I am so fascinated with Erika that I'm surprised my mind hasn't exploded from a sensory overload yet. Fascinated in a way that she leads me to be the most curious about her. I am fascinated with her every move; [and] action. Not in a weird creeper way, just the way that one thinks, when extremely attracted to someone else. But it's weird for me. (again, not a bad thing!!) It's just an odd occurrence for me. I have never been this interested in someone before. Yeah I've dated other people, but I kind of went through the motions, hoping to catch a spark from rubbing together the flint and steel. (Not a sexual connotation. Flint and steel are two materials used before lighters, or at camp sites to light a fire from the friction caused from rubbing the two together.) I see this as a great situation, happening for a reason, one filled with vast amounts of hope, care, and most of all; curiosity.
3. God. In all honesty, where do I start!? Here, these are my exact thoughts from tonight. I know that I have a curiosity about my future, whether it be with my family or with Erika. I also know that I am not worried about either one of them. I am curious became I am excited! I am excited for what God has in store for me! God has provided everything for me for all 21 years of my life, without me being aware of it for the majority of those years. Now I am able to come to terms with God and myself, and recognize the impact He has had on my life. I am thankful beyond words, and have a sense of comfort in Him. I know that God will always provide for me, and in my curiosity, He will help me to grow. Grow in my family, grow in/with Erika, and of course grow within myself. I have a feeling that God wants us all to be curious. Curious about different things in our lives. Curious about things in other people's lives around us. And most of all, curious about how God is related to all of this.
I know this because I have learned that simply being curious is not the answer. In learning to trust God with my every move, I have been able to become intellectually curious.