Angst

I talk to myself.

It is hard to admit sometimes.  Even to myself.

I remember when I was younger, my parents would catch me.  It was always questioned, in such a harsh way. "What are you, talking to yourself!?"  It was so embarrassing for me.  Admitting to them that I was talking to myself left me ashamed.  As I got older, the conversations that I had with myself increased, and weren't just limited to the self-ranting, after being reprimanded.  My siblings caught me, my friends caught me, random people on the street caught me...

I probably looked like a crazy person to them [or to everyone].

Truth be told, I still talk to myself.  Maybe it has become an obsession.  I suppose it is my go to option.  I don't have to dial a number, use minutes, look at anyone, feel awkward admitting something to someone, or worry that they won't pick up/care about what I have to say/even want to hear from me.  It's not that I don't have people to talk to...it's just easier.

With deeper, more intellectual thoughts [or topics], I can call on a family member, or a trusty friend.  But when it is a more personal, abstract thought, I prefer consulting Matt.  He knows me better than I know myself, and is never afraid to send an honest rebuttal my way.  As crazy as all that sounds, I decided to Google it, to see what the public says.

After searching for "Is talking to yourself a bad thing?", I came to the conclusion that it is not.  Many of the posts [and studies] show that it is good for someone to talk to themselves, in order to pick the brain, and order/organize thoughts appropriately.  Don't believe me?  Check it out for yourself.  The results are not necessarily enlightening, but definitely much of a relief.

Relief as it is, I couldn't simply stop there.

I have noticed recently, around people I don't know, my inability to hold relative focus and attention in a common conversation.  No, I am not going to blame some attention disorder for this.  Rather, I am going to blame myself, and associate it with my gravitation towards self consultation.  Talking to myself doesn't require face-to-face conversation, confrontation, or any sort of visual stimulation (as a matter of fact, I highly dislike talking in the mirror).  Before I continue, I must note that I am not socially inept, nor unable to have a conversation.  I just believe that I have become more susceptible to losing interest in communicating with someone face-to-face.  Actually, I would admit that relative communication has become a poor suit for me lately.  I don't have much interest in making time to direct my attention towards someone for large amounts of time.  Alright, now do I sound crazy?

Yes, in fact, I think it is healthy.  I am on Mission Matt 2012.  As the year is coming to a close, it is only natural for me to reflect on what has been going on in my life, including a more recent update on day to day Matt.

I guess it is time for me to admit that I looked up symptoms of anxiety.  Among the 100 or so list of symptoms, one stood out to me.  It read, at the bottom of the page [as the last symptom], being alone.  Maybe my inclination to talk to myself is a result of being alone.  And maybe, just maybe, I am anxious because of it?

I prefer the term angst.  It has a strange ring to it.  And as I repeat it to myself [out loud, mind you], I am reminded of how perfectly strange talking to myself fits in with my life.